Don't Stress The Stress

Today was an exasperating day.  I had a lot of deadlines on my plate and everything seemed to be working against me.  I must have spent five hours entering and re-entering information into a website because it kept losing (or not saving) the material.  Then I got kicked out and haven't been able to reliably log back in to finish.  So there was much yelling and cursing at the computer as I felt my stress level rise over the course of the day.  I was tempted to grab some of the cookies out of the pantry and just chow down on them, but I knew that wouldn't help relieve my stress and would ultimately leave me feeling worse off.

How did I deal with the stress?  In the moment, I chomped on a bunch of mints and hard candies, I chewed gum, and I drank a bunch of diet soda and tea.  I reminded myself that there was only so much that I could do.  I fantasized about reaming out the IT people who manage the bleeping website that was tormenting me.  And, most importantly, I worked at compartmentalizing.

The workday has to end at some point and that ending point is mostly up to me.  I make the choice as to when to put the computer down, when to stop returning phone calls, and when to stop scheduling appointments.  I chose a time for when I would close up the laptop and set it aside for the night (at least regarding work-related activities).  I then climbed on the elliptical and let all that frustration go.

This got me thinking about all the types of stress that can be encountered in the course of everyday life.  Basically, if there's an activity, relationship, or thought, there can be stress around it.  Here are some areas of stress that I generally encounter:

• Work - My job revolves around other people.  I genuinely like what I do, but it's possible to experience "care-giver burnout" (to steal the term from my masseuse).  I try very hard to meet the needs of many people and there's only so much that I can do.  There's always more that I can do and it's difficult for me to say "no" and turn down requests.
• Familial Relationships - Parents, in-laws, extended family, no matter how much you love them, they come with stress.  Unfortunately, it can be difficult to set boundaries with relatives and contain that stress.  I try to distance myself at times, to allow myself a time-out from family-related activities and issues.  I'm also working on improving my filter, so that I'm not sharing topics that then open myself up to criticisms.
• Married Life - My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years and have been together for about 18.  I'm really fortunate that there's not much stress in our relationship.  I won't pretend that things are perfect, but they're pretty darn good.  There are times when stress reared up between us, but we're able to work things out.
• Friends and Co-workers - Interpersonal relationships can be a breeding ground for stress.  It can depend on the boundaries, expectations, and shared activities.  Sometimes other people are unaware of the impact they can have, not realizing that they may be contributing to stress.  As with the family, I'm working on better-managing my relationships.  This may involve limiting my exposure to certain people, selecting particular activities that are easier to share with less stress, and (again) improving my personal filter.
• Health - Aside from the whole kidney issue, making time for exercise and sticking with a clean diet can be somewhat stressful (while being rewarding and beneficial).  I try to relieve some of the stress by planning in advance so I don't feel as pressured with meal preparation.  If I've got easy-to-grab food on hand, I don't feel as overwhelmed.  The main thing is to schedule the time for each of these activities, remind myself that this is something I'm choosing to do for myself, and allow myself some slack if I don't do it perfectly.  It's meant to add to my life, not stress me out.
• Everyday Life - Sometimes stress just happens.  No matter how well-laid my plans may be, there's no rule that says life has to follow them.  I can be a real control-fiend at times, but I'm working to improve my flexibility and adaptability.  I think I'm better able to roll with the punches than I used to be.

Yesterday, I had a little bit of a meltdown after the gym and my husband commented that he had been waiting for this to hit.  He said that he could see that I was right on the edge for a while and knew that I was barely holding it together.  I try to keep a hold on things, but it's not always doable.  Sometimes the stress does get to me.  I can recognize when I'm more vulnerable to stress, even if I can't avoid it.  I work hard to remind myself that I'm allowed to feel stressed, I'm allowed to feel overwhelmed, and I'm allowed to take steps to manage or reduce the stress triggers in my life.

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onion, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• 3oz chicken
• Meal 3
• Apple
• 1oz almonds
• Light cheese
• Meal 4
• 3oz chicken 
• Green beans
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon peanut butter

Exercise:

• Time: 92 minutes on the elliptical
• Level:  Level 1 for 1 minute, Level 5 for 85 minutes, Level 1 for 6 minutes
• Distance:  8 miles
• Calories:  975+

Today's Weigh-In:  143 / 141.9 - I've decided to simply record the high and low weigh-ins I get each day instead of trying to figure out which one is the "right" number.

Seeking Inspiration

Ever since I was a little kid, I would look up to others and aspire to be more like them.  For the most part, I identified with good role models.  These may be family members, teachers, older peers, co-workers and supervisors, athletes and people in the media, or even characters in books and movies.  Yes, there are some "pretend" people that have functioned as inspirations for me.  (I'll leave it to you to figure out who those are.)

Recently, I've been admiring Dara Torres.  She's definitely more in the media right now, preparing for the 2012 Olympics.  I don't respect her because she's an athlete but because of what she's done as an athlete.  I admire her devotion and dedication to her goals.  I'm amazed by what she can do with her body.  She's not held-back by what someone of a particular age can or "should" do.  Instead she  continues to push and challenge herself.  She makes adaptations as she needs to and takes care of her body so it can keep working for her.  She acknowledges that she's less than perfect and discourages being put up on a pedestal just because she's an accomplished swimmer.  During an interview on CNN, she emphasized how she's as physically fit as she is because she has been able to make it her job.  She spends as much time in the water and working out as most people spend in the office.  Part of her message was that "everyday" people shouldn't compare themselves to her and feel that they're coming up short - they're just not able to invest the same number of hours into fitness as she is.

Because I often take notice of a particular trait, characteristic, or ability that a person exhibits, there's a tendency for me to generalize from that one piece to the entire person.  I don't know much about Dara Torres and I can't speak much about her as a person having never met her.  I'm more likely to attribute positive elements to her because I already see her in a positive light.  I think that's part of human nature, generalizing from the parts to the whole.  When I find myself admiring someone, I try to identify the specific elements that I'm drawn toward.  What is it that I see in them that I'd like to see more of in myself?  What have they accomplished and how have they done it?  Is it possible that I could accomplish the same?  I also want to ensure that I'm not blindly looking up to someone, because there are often elements within those people that I wouldn't wish to emulate.

I look to a role model to inspire me to challenge and better myself.  A role model isn't supposed to make me feel inadequate about myself but to help me see what I can do.  I want to emphasize the positive directions in my life and find people who can help me stay energized to move in that direction.

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onion, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• 3oz chicken
• salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• Meal 3
• Apple
• 1oz almonds
• Light cheese
• Meal 4
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon peanut butter

Exercise:

• Time: 1hr total body workout with trainer
• Calories:  300+

Today's Weigh-In:  144.1

2011 - Week 8 In Review

Week 8 has been more of the same - a regular grind.  I'm trying to get more answers about the kidney situation, but it's leaving me with more questions.  Emotionally, this has been wearing on me.  My brain is great at filling in all the possible "what if" scenarios.  This can chip away at my motivation and my ability to focus on the here-and-now.

• Exercise
• Days of Exercise:  5
• One day off was a planned skip (Wednesday).  One day off was unplanned but very much needed (Friday)
• Individual workouts were on target with calories burned, but didn't meet weekly goal because of second missed day.
• Review:  When I did workout, it felt good and I was able to push and challenge myself.  It's just a matter of finding the time for these workouts and having the energy to dedicate to them.  I've had to do some juggling of my schedule, but I've been fortunate enough to make things work.  I felt a little guilty for not getting that 6th workout in on Friday night, even though there was NOTHING to feel guilty about.  I know that it was the best choice for myself to take the evening off.  The world didn't end and I didn't die.
• Goals: Looking at next week's schedule, I hope to be back on track and to get all 6 workouts in.  I'm hopeful to get a swimming session in at the end of the week and will try to structure my schedule to help make that happen.  I'll also look at doing another strength training session with my husband one evening.

• Eating
• Days of Clean Eating: 6
• Review:  I was clean the whole week.  My only "cheat" was a cookie at last night's potluck dinner, so technically not much of a cheat.  The potluck dinner went well.  We have next to no leftovers in the house, because I sent everyone home with a baggie of cookies and whatever else they wanted to take.  Some of the leftovers will stay in the house for my husband to enjoy, while the rest will go into the office on Tuesday.  I may see if some friends can come over next weekend to help with some of the foods in the freezer that I never got around to preparing.  
• I had prepared myself to indulge in some yummies this evening, but when I was actually faced with the situation I didn't feel like eating anything available to me.  I did prepare for the evening by having my 3rd meal just before people arrived so that I wouldn't be ravenous during the night.  I continued to drink fluids the entire evening as well.  My husband thinks that there's a stubbornness at play here with my not having a cheat.  Perhaps in part, but I'm also not interested in a lot of the foods that are available to me.
• Goals:  This week is relatively straight-forward, I believe.  There may be some socializing opportunities next weekend, which I'll deal with as best I can.  I'll allow myself a cheat meal if the situation arises because I think it's something I do need.  I'm just wary about indulging too much because I know there are going to be 2 weekends of cheat meals in March where I won't have my regular "clean eating" food options as readily available.

• Overall
• Review:  I'm continuing to feel "less than good" about everything.  I'm not feeling bad, but it's hard to feel good.  I have been making an effort to take care of myself, but I think I need to better figure out what "taking care of myself" actually means.  It doesn't mean putting my head down and bulldozing my way through everything, but it doesn't mean curling up on the couch with chocolates and ice cream either.  I'm not so good with the whole concept of moderation. 
• Goals:  I think the theme for this week will be stress management.  I have a number of deadlines for work-related projects that really can't be fudged, along with my regular responsibilities.  This will be a good chance to practice the whole concept of moderation.
• I also want to focus less on the scale.  I do try to emphasize the behaviors, with the number on the scale as a by-product, but it can function as a motivator (or a demoralizer) at times as well.  As you can see below, my weight has fluctuated and crept up since starting the lower-protein diet.  I'm also not confident in the accuracy of my scale, as I can get readings that vary by more than a pound within a 5 minute window.  I know this is an issue with digital scales.  Unfortunately, mechanical/analog scales aren't much better.  I've been thinking about getting a medical scale, but am not sure if I want to invest $150-200 in it or if I want it to dominate the hall bathroom either.  Is the number really that important?

• Weight
• Starting Weight: 153.8
• Last Week's Weight: 143.4
• Today's Weight: 144.1
• Weight Loss (This Week): -0.7
• Weight Loss (Total 2011):  9.7

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with red pepper, onion, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, and a bit of Splenda
• Meal 2
• 1oz almonds
• Light cheese
• Apple
• Meal 3
• 3oz chicken
• Salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• Meal 4
• 3oz chicken
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter 
• 1 cookie

Exercise:

• Time: 87 minutes
• Level:  Level 1 for 1 minute; Level 5 for 85 minutes; Level 1 for 1 minute
• Calories: 850+
• Distance: 7.3 miles

Today's Weigh-In: 144.1

Sorting Through Mixed Messages

"It's okay to lose weight but not too much."  What's too much?

"A woman should be strong but don't get bulky."  Are my arms getting bulky?  (I know I've got "guns" and it's not uncommon for tops with fitted sleeves to be uncomfortably snug.  I felt like Jason Giambi today, since he used to cut the seams on his jerseys to fit around his biceps, though I've never used "The Cream" or any other "performance enhancing" substances - my head is exactly the same size, thank you very much.)

"Be sure to eat well but don't be too focused on food."  Does the mean I've got issues with food?

"Make sure to get into the gym but don't spend too much time there."  If other people start recognizing me by sight, have I officially become a gym rat?  (Yesterday I was identified as "the girl in the hat" by another of my trainer's clients that I'd never spoken with before, as I almost always wear one of two ballcaps while working out to contain my frizzy hair.)

Sometimes taking care of myself can feel like tug-of-war.  I want to do it all, but there are so many things to attend to and so many ways to pursue them.  I try to do everything and to do it the right way but I'm learning that this concept of a "right way" simply doesn't exist and is never attainable.  Can I have my cake and eat it too? Not really. There's no such thing as a free lunch. (How many trite phrases can I throw in here?)  If I'm going put my energy into one goal, I'm not going to have it to invest in another goal.

Everything has a limit, it can be tough to tell where that line is.  There are some explicit guidelines or criteria, such as with the diagnosis of anorexia.  Aside from that, we're mostly adrift in the gray zone of uncertainty.  Where one person draws the line isn't necessarily where another person draws it.  More often than not, when people give me "constructive feedback" it's because my lines aren't drawn where they think the lines should be drawn.  So where's the "right" place for me to draw that line?

Most important is that I CHOOSE where to draw the line for myself.  I may never be certain about the positions that I take, but I'll make choices that are good enough given the information and goals that I have.  I take my circumstances into account when determining what's enough and what's too much.  I determine my comfortable weight range based on my relationship with my body.  I have my standard for attractiveness, which is admittedly a more muscular feminine physique than mainstream media would consider stereotypically attractive.

There's always going to be compromises in life.  Everyone has to face choices.  Spending time at the gym means I'm not spending it somewhere else.  Choosing "clean" food choices means turning down other (perhaps more tasty or indulgent) choices.  I want to make choices and compromises that are most in-sync with my values and priorities.  That doesn't mean these will be comfortable decisions, but ones that I am willing to tolerate.  I also remind myself that I can make different choices at different times, depending on the circumstances.  After all, no line is ever permanent.

Food Log:

• Meal 1  
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onions, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal  
• Meal 2
• Big salad
• 2 tablespoons of salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light cheese
• 1oz almonds
• Meal 4
• 3oz chicken
• Green beans
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:  None - had planned to go to the gym after work but got stuck at the office for an extra hour.  I did consider going to the gym at that point, but my back was/is sore and I felt exhausted.  So I opted for a night off for self-care. 


Today's Weigh-In:  144.1 - I'm seriously considering buying a new scale because I'm so frustrated with the variability of weights over the course of a morning.  For example, weighing myself this morning, my weight fluctuated from 144.5 down to 143.1 and then back to 144.1.  And this was without my eating, drinking, or doing anything to try and "trick" the scale.

Counting On Accountability

Earlier today, I was talking with someone about the benefits of being accountable to someone.  She noted how after we spoke (which is about once a week), she felt much more motivated to work on her goals and to follow through on the plans we developed.  What would help to maintain that motivation?  Ideally, we'd check-in with each other on a daily basis.  Since that's not feasible, we talked about the benefit of a motivational message (which this blog could provide) or of publicly committing to specific activities (such as how I do through this blog).

Sometimes holding yourself accountable can be uncomfortable, but that can make it all the more important to follow through on that commitment.  I was so impressed by friend and fellow blogger "KimGettingSlim.com" for going to her WW meeting and weighing in despite her struggling to be on-plan for the last month.  It would have been much easier and more comfortable in the moment to avoid the meeting; however, that would have made it much harder to get back on track and to return to future meetings.  WAY TO GO, KIM!

What can be done to increase the likelihood of completing a goal?  

Sharing that commitment with someone else means that they can follow up with you to see if you've kept to your plan.  This is the weekly check-in at the Weight Watchers meeting, the follow-up appointment with your doctor, the food log shared with your trainer, or the phone call to a friend.  I've utilized all these supports and found each of them to be beneficial.

Involving someone else in the activities related to your goal helps a lot too.  I'm much more likely to show up for a group fitness class when I've arranged to meet a friend there.  I don't want to let down the other person, so I'll push myself to meet the commitment when otherwise I might procrastinate, postpone, and avoid.  This evening, my husband and I had committed to meeting at the gym after work for some strength training.  I could have just as easily gone straight home and curled up on the couch, but I didn't want to deprive my husband of his workout. 

There's plenty of ways to build accountability into activities.  Sometimes it takes creativity.  Sometimes it's trial and error to see what works for you.  I think the most important aspect is that the emphasis is on positivity.  I don't want someone to yell and berate me because I didn't meet a goal.  Motivation isn't about the avoidance of punishment and guilt.  

Food Log:

• Meal 1  
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onions, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal  
• Meal 2
• Big salad
• 2 tablespoons of salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light cheese
• 1oz almonds
• Meal 4
• 3oz chicken
• Green beans
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise: 

• ~90 minutes strength training with husband
• Calories:  350+

Today's Weigh-In:  144.4

Breathe!

Ever notice how things always seem to take longer when you're running late? The more you try to hurry through the more likely you are to make mistakes, forget or drop things, and even injure yourself. And chances are you're not moving anymore quickly as a result and may actually move more slowly because of the mistakes and forgotten items.  For me, this type of situation is most likely to strike when:

• it's the first thing in the morning
• there's an important meeting to get to
• it's a deviation from my regular routine
• I'm already feeling stressed about other things
• I'm tired, hungry, cranky, or downright irritable

I'm definitely vulnerable to feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Some mornings I feel like I'm drowning beneath all the demands on my plate. All I can think about is everything that needs to get done and all I can worry about is HOW I'm going to get everything done.  When these mornings hit, I probably stomp my feet and flap my arms (my husband and I call this "flailing"), make exasperated noises, and yell at the inanimate objects that aren't cooperating with me. While these outbursts allow me to vent my frustrations, they don't really help.

I've found that if I pause for a moment, close my eyes, and take a deep breath, I'm better able to regain my focus and identify what's really important. Is the world really going to end if I'm a couple minutes late? No, and I could risk an accident or injury by rushing to get there on time. Am I really being more efficient and on-tip of things by trying to multitask my way through the morning? No, leaving my lunch at home this morning is a prime example of that.

"Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff."  A cliche, but one with merit. Everything that needs to get done will get done. Some things can't be rushed. I'm not a superhero and I can't do everything all at once. I need to remind myself of that at times, and also of the benefits of breathing.

Food Log:

• Meal 1  
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onions, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal  
• Meal 2
• Light cheese
• 1oz almonds
• Meal 3
• 3oz chicken
• Green beans
• 2 tablespoons of salad dressing
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:  None (planned)


Today's Weigh-In:  144.5

Pressure!

Yesterday I made reference to a fear of what others might think.  That fear could act as a barrier to trying new things or to working toward personal goals.  In addition to fear, there can be a pressure from other people.  Perceived or actual - either way it can be very powerful.

External expectations can provide motivation for staying on target.  I'm much more inclined to stick with my goals because of the (self-inflicted) pressure associated with this blog.  I see that people are reading my posts each day and that motivates me to make choices that reflect clean eating, fitness, and an overall healthy lifestyle.

When going through a physical transformation, it's only natural that other people observe the changes.  In fact, one might argue that we WANT people to take note.  After all, some of the strongest external reinforcers are the compliments received from other people.  However, these comments from other people can inadvertently lead to an increased sense of pressure.  And sometimes other people feel that it's their right or their place to make these comments.

Sometimes, the expectations can grow too large.  "I can't regain any weight because people will see."  "They're expecting me to eat clean, so I can't eat a cookie."  When it starts to feel like all eyes are on you and people are out to "catch" you and "punish" you for your choices, it can be overwhelming.

In my experience, these expectations are often my perceptions or interpretations - I recognize these can be somewhat distorted and are more a reflection of my own internal baggage as opposed to what those around me truly think.  But sometimes there's "that person" who makes a comment without thinking or who is just trying to be "helpful" with some "constructive" comments.  "You're looking pretty good.  I hope you're able to stick with it."  "Don't lose too much weight!"  Thanks!  Love you, too!

What to do in response to these pressures?  It's not possible to please everyone.  It's not possible to meet everyone's expectations.  Not only is it not possible, it's not healthy.  When I start to feel that pressure, I take a deep breath and pause.  Is that message coming from me or from the outside?  Is that message valid or a product of emotional baggage (mine or other people's)?  And, lastly, am I doing this for myself or for someone else?

The answers aren't always clear, but then there's rarely anything that's 100% certain in life.  But I generally can get a sense of the larger influences at work.  If it's mostly me, I'm golden.  If it's mostly them, I walk away and reassess.  I'm not going to bow to the pressure unless it's coming from me!

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onions, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• Big salad (but I didn't finish it all)
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing (but I didn't finish it all)
• 3oz chicken
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light cheese
• 1oz almonds
• Meal 4
• Big salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:

• Time:  62 minutes
• Level:  Level 1 for 1 minute, Level 4 for 60 minutes, Level 1 for 1 minute
• Calories:  625+

Today's Weigh-In: 143.5

The Element of Fear

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."

- Unknown

When there's talk of a new undertaking, I believe it's natural to have some fear or at least some apprehension.  I'm a creature of comfort and I take comfort in the familiar.  So when I'm faced with doing something I've never done before, I begin to think of the things that could go wrong.  What if, in doing something, I make a mistake?  I mess things up?  I hurt myself or others?  I let someone down?  I fail?

How often are things avoided or not attempted because of the "what if" fears?  I think it's more common for people to fight to maintain the status quo because they're scared to venture into the unknown.  What about asking yourself if, in NOT doing something, you could be taking those same (or bigger) risks.

I will admit that there are times when I'll avoid doing things.  I've had things on my "To Do" list  for months (or even longer) because I just haven't wanted to deal with them.  But  there's a qualitative difference between this and the fear-driven avoidances.

Truth be told, one reason why I might not venture into the unknown is because I'm afraid of what others might think.  What if they see my efforts and judge me based on them?  What if they see me fail?  I know that the opinions of others shouldn't matter, but sometimes I can't help myself.

Even if I'm not happy with current circumstances, it may feel "safer" to stay with the devil I know as opposed to the devil I don't.  But isn't that resigning myself to an arrangement that's unsatisfactory?  That's kind of depressing to think about.  Instead, I want to think about the opportunities that the new endeavors may offer.

When I start feeling those nagging fears, I'll take a deep breath and ask myself what's going on.  Can I identify the underlying themes at play here?  What could be gained as opposed to what could be risked?  More often than not, I've learned that facing my fears has opened up more opportunities than I could have believed.

Keep in mind that one of the things I'm most afraid of is failing.  As I've mentioned before, I'm a perfectionist.  No matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough.  That's what pushes me to take things to the next level.  I may be afraid to undertake something because I'm worried that I won't be able to do it well enough (whatever that's supposed to mean).  But once I take that first step, I'm invested.  If I pick up a book, it takes A LOT for me to put it aside without finishing it.  In fact, I can think of only two occasions where this has occurred.  

When I set a goal for myself, I intend to reach it.  If I'm on the elliptical and I decide to workout for 60 minutes, I'll be on there for the full 60 minutes.  Anything less will feel as though it "doesn't count" - even 58 minutes.  When my trainer gives me a set of 10-12 reps, I'll be pushing for the full 12.  And if he tells me that 10 is enough, I insist that I've got 2 more and try my hardest to get those last 2 reps in there.  

I may be afraid, but I'll still try.  I've got too much to gain and nothing to lose.  And, please don't tell me I can't do something - I'll just have to prove you wrong.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

- Wayne Gretzky

Food Log:

• Meal 1  
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onions, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal  
• Meal 2
• BIG salad
• 2 tablespoons of salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light cheese
• 1oz almonds
• Meal 4
• 3oz chicken
• Green beans
• 2 tablespoons of salad dressing
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise: 

• Time:  90 minutes on elliptical
• Level:  Level 1 for 1 minute, Level 4 for 88 minutes, Level 1 for 1 minute
• Calories:  850+

Today's Weigh-In:  144.6

Enabling Behaviors?

A few nights ago, I caught part of a program entitled "Half-Ton Mom" which covered the story of a 900-pound woman.  What I saw brought up a number of questions for me, not about this woman's plight but more about obesity-related perceptions and behaviors in general.  Now, please forgive me for any inaccuracies, as I saw the few segments very late at night as I was falling asleep.

Identified as the world's heaviest woman, the portion I saw covered her plea for gastric-bypass surgery and the concerns regarding operating on a "super morbidly obese" person.  In going over the woman's history, she was always overweight or obese.  This was then exacerbated by her being in a car accident that left her bed-ridden.  By the time of the programming, she had been bed-ridden for four years and had gained an additional 420 pounds, almost doubling her weight.  The portion of the program that I didn't see was that twelve days after she the surgery that was supposed to save her life, she developed an infection and suffered a fatal heart attack.

Did she gain this weight on her own?  Yes and no.  Up until the car accident, she was the one putting food into her own mouth.  But what about when she was bed-ridden?  Someone was bringing her food each day.  Someone was creating a menu of out-of-proportion servings that were laden in fat and calories.  Someone was serving her with a "meal" of 6-8 hamburgers.  Simply put, she had an enabler.

Wisegeek.com describes an enabler as "a person who through his or her actions allows someone else to achieve something ... most often associated with people who allow loved ones to behave in ways that are destructive.... [T]hough the enabler may be acting out of love and trying to help or protect a person, he or she is actually making a chronic problem like an addiction worse."

Is there an enabler in your life?  Are you enabling someone else's destructive behaviors?

Often, there are the best of intentions when fostering the worst of behaviors.  I wouldn't be surprised if those enabling the "half-ton mom" did so because they wanted to try to bring her some element of happiness or pleasure.  They were trying to "help" her through a whole slew of pains.  With being bed-ridden, there wasn't much else that could be offered her.  I know that I have the tendency to try and take care of my husband by "over-serving" him or by giving him cookies and treats for much the same reason (though not to nearly the same extent!).  I know I can't alleviate his stress at work or make problems go away, so I give him what I can - often from the kitchen.

Were there enablers involved in my weight-gain?  I'm sure that there were, though I wouldn't target a specific individual.  Instead, I would say that my friends and I often engaged in a pattern of behaviors that could be described as enabling.  We wanted to make each other feel good about ourselves.  We would encourage each other to enjoy good food, to indulge in delicious treats (which we often baked together), and to not define ourselves by the anorexic models in magazines.  And I don't think this is necessarily an unhealthy or bad thing.  Friends are a great source of support and encouragement, provided that this is directed toward healthy and constructive goals.  The difficulty is in telling whether or not the so-called "support" is a help or a hindrance.

People often look to make each other feel better.  It's uncomfortable to see other people experiencing discomfort.   While a motivation may be to make someone feel better in the moment, it may not be what is best in the long run.  Trying to provide a good feeling in the moment (say by offering up a brownie or going out for an indulgent dinner) may not be the best way to support or encourage.

Now, not every offer of a cupcake or margarita is an effort to engage in destructive behaviors.  I try to not be cynical or to view these as the gestures of an enabler or of someone looking to undermine constructive efforts.  Perhaps they're not aware of the all the dynamics that are in play, revolving around a plate of cookies.  Instead of getting upset or angry, I try to talk with people about how they can be supportive in a manner that empowers.

If I find myself getting lured into a cycle of unhealthy behaviors when I'm around a particular person, I may examine the pattern.  What is it about my interactions with this person that fosters these destructive behaviors?  Is there something that leaves me increasingly vulnerable?  Why do I choose to be around this person if there is this tendency?  Can I protect myself, perhaps by limiting my exposure?

It is up to me to be my own best advocate.  I will seek out those that support and encourage me.  I will distance myself from those that undermine and sabotage.  I have the power to empower myself!

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with red pepper, onion, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• 3oz chicken
• Big salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light cheese (Baby Bell)
• 1oz almonds
• Meal 4
• Green and yellow beans
• 3oz chicken
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:

• Time: 60 minutes total body workout with trainer
• Calories: 300+

Today's Weigh-In: 144.0

2011 - Week 7 In Review

Week 7 has been more of the same.  I'm continuing to work through the same challenges with the lower-protein diet.  I did call the doctor to ask about the lower-protein diet.  He let me know that it could be an option, depending on how the test results turn out.  He seemed somewhat optimistic about it, so that helped me feel a bit better about it all.  There's still 7 more weeks to go until the follow-up appointment, but if there's an end in sight then I can stick with it. 

• Exercise
• Days of Exercise: 6
• The one day off was a planned skip.
• Stayed on target with calories burned.
• Review: I did okay with my first goals of increasing the challenge with the elliptical at Level 5.  Given my feeling low-energy and changing up my workout routine, I didn't totally challenge myself that way.  I did feel like I was working harder, just not directly  connected to that specific number.  I enjoyed the swimming as part of my workout on Friday evening.  I got a pair of training fins (mini-flippers) that I tried out for the first time.  It helped with my need for speed while exercising and made it all more fun.  
• The other change in my workout was replacing one cardio session with strength training.  It wasn't a calorie-burning workout, but it wasn't meant to be.  I really enjoyed working out with my husband and trying something different.
• Goals: Looking at next week's schedule, I hope I'm able to get all 6 workouts in.  I'm going to stick with the increased challenge of Level 5 with the elliptical at home.  I don't think I'll get a swimming session in, but maybe I can play around and fit it in.  I'll also look at doing a strength training session on Wednesday evening.

• Eating
• Days of Clean Eating: 7
• Review: This week has been a little bit easier for me.  I'm continuing to make my choices without struggle and the food tastes good.  I've started mixing my peanut butter into my oatmeal at night as dessert and it's DELICIOUS! Yum!
• My biggest frustration this week has been in talking with other people about my dietary needs due to the kidney concerns.  I tried to explain that I'm following all the doctor's orders - reducing the protein I'm taking in and measuring/weighing every serving to ensure that I'm following the plan.  I tried to explain that, depending on what the doctor tells me in April, I'll reassess my approach and make whatever changes I need to make - I'm receptive to consulting with a nutritionist to develop a plan that is kidney-sensitive and still attentive to my other physical needs.  It felt like, no matter what I said, nothing was heard.  People jump to conclusions because I've been upset about the dietary restrictions of the low-protein plan.  They think that I'm not following the plan, that I'm dismissive of the doctor's orders, and that I'm not being healthy.  When I get the judgmental, critical response from them, I shut down and withdraw.  My decision for this week is that I'm not going to engage in these conversations.  If I feel as though other people are not being respectful of me, I don't have to expose myself to that attitude.
• Goals:  Next Saturday, we're hosting a potluck dinner for my husband's friends/colleagues.  I'll be pulling the cookies out of the freezer for that.  I'm hoping to be able to eat relatively clean despite all the foods we'll have in the house.  Given that it's our own home, I get to make sure that the foods I want to eat are on hand.  However, given that it's our home, there's a strong likelihood of our being left with the leftovers.  If that's the case, I'll be okay with discarding the things that my husband won't eat or with taking those foods into the office.

• Overall
• Review:  I'm still not really happy with how things are going, though there's some improvement.  I'm managing the hunger a little better, though I'm probably munching on more mints and hard candies than would be ideal.  The numbers on the scale are still annoying me (up .5lb again this week despite being all on plan).  I'm reminding myself that I'm doing what I need to do, that right now it's more important that I take care of my kidneys.  It's tough because I know that if I bumped up the protein the weight would drop more easily/quickly/etc, but weight isn't the end-all-be-all here.  It's one component of my overall health and well-being.
• I did try more with the self-care this week.  Friday night was a delicious 90-minute massage that really helped work out a lot of the tension in my back and shoulders.  This afternoon I took a bath with epsom salt to help soothe my muscles a bit more.  I invested in another heating pad so that I can target my legs in addition to my back/shoulders.  I'm also taking a break from talking with negative people because I don't need the emotional hassle.
• Goals:  I want to focus on maintaining balance this week.  I have a pretty full work week, including an interview for a webcast early Wednesday morning, and a lot of projects that are coming due.  I can see the stress level going higher as a result, so I want to do a preemptive attack on the possible stress.  That's going to involve advance food prep, making sure I get enough sleep, not beating myself up if I don't get all my workouts in, and limiting my exposure to negativity. 

• Weight
• Starting Weight: 153.8
• Last Week's Weight: 142.9
• Today's Weight: 143.4
• Weight Loss (This Week): -0.5
• Weight Loss (Total 2011): 10.4

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with red pepper, onion, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, and a bit of Splenda
• Meal 2
• 3oz chicken and ground turkey
• Green beans
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light cheese (Baby Bell)
• Meal 4
• BIG salad
• 3oz chicken
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:

• Time: 91 minutes
• Level:  Level 1 the entire time (my hip flexors and knee were a little tender, so I didn't want to push it with higher resistance)
• Calories: 800
• Distance: 7 miles

Today's Weigh-In: 143.4

Taking Pleasure In The Pain

I enjoy the ache that I often experience the day after lifting weights.  I'm not a masochist, not by any means.  I'm not referring to pain from injury but more the discomfort of tired muscles.  As I move, I'm reminded that I did something for myself - I chose to do something for my health, fitness, and overall well being. 

The ache can be a means for assessing how I've challenged myself.  I can look back at my workout the day before and see if there's a relationship between the exercises and the locations of the aches.  Was there a new exercise?  Did the weight get increased from past weeks?  Is there any connection to my other activities over the past week (cardio, etc.)?

The soreness in my muscles reminds me of how my body moves.  I hone in on my posture and the way I carry myself.  When I ache a bit more, I find myself standing more upright and holding my shoulders back.  I'm also more intentional with my movements, perhaps in anticipation of tight muscles rebelling against the action.

Working out is exhausting and draining, though I consistently feel stronger as a result.  This is somewhat contradictory, given that my body is physically quite weak.  I think it's more a sense of mental strength.  It's an affirmation that I'm capable of pushing myself.  I can work through physical discomfort to get closer to my goals.  I lift weights until my muscles reach their failure point and I take pride in every ache and pain that results.

Food Log:

• Meal 1 
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onion, and salsa 
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• BIG salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken 
• Meal 3
• Light string cheese
• 1oz almonds 
• (I had the apple on-hand but the timing didn't work and the other pieces were enough) 
• Meal 4
• Not quite as big salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise: 

• Time:  45 minutes on elliptical;  30 minutes swimming
• Level:  Level 8 on the elliptical (not really comparable to machine at home)
• Calories:  650+

Today's Weigh-In:  143.7

Without Supervision

Today, my husband and I did some strength-training on our own - WITHOUT THE TRAINER'S SUPERVISION!  We weren't really that wild and crazy.  My trainer wrote out a routine for us to follow, based on the exercises and weights we use during out sessions with him.  Then we went to the gym at a time when he was there, so we could run things by him if we needed to.  Overall, I think the workout went quite well.  I continued to push myself with my husband's encouragement.  I'll have to check our schedules for next week, but this is definitely something I'd like to do again on a regular basis.  (Don't tell my husband, but I actually enjoyed his company!)

Here's the proposed routine that I went in with:

• Wide-grip pulldown
• 3 sets x 12/10/8 (start at 90lbs)
  Machine chest press
• 3 sets x 12/10/8 (start at 90lbs and increase with each set)
• Dumbbell row
• 3 sets x 12/10/8 (start with 40lbs)
• Machine shoulder press
• 3 sets x 12/10/8 (start at around 80-90lbs)
• Leg press
• 3 sets of 15-20 reps (start with 2 plates/side, increase by a 45/side per set or, if range is getting too small, just jump 25lbs/side)
• Seated leg curl
• 3 sets of 15-20 reps, (start at 80-90lbs)
• Crunches on floor
• 3 sets of 20 reps

And here's what I actually did:

• Elliptical for 20 minutes (warm-up, waiting for husband to arrive at gym)
• Wide-grip pulldown
• 90lbs for 12
• 120lbs for 10
• 130lbs for 10
• 90lbs for 15
• Machine chest press
• 90lbs for 12
• 120lbs for 10
• 130lbs for 10
• 90lbs for 15
• Dumbbell row
• 40lbs for 15
• 50lbs for 12
• 60lbs for 10
• 30lbs for 20
• Machine shoulder press
• 90lbs for 12
• 110lbs for 12
• 120lbs for 8
• 80lbs for 10
• Leg press
• 2 plates/side for 20
• 3 plates/side for 20
• 4 plates/side for 20
• Seated leg curl
• 90lbs for 15
• 90lbs for 15
• 90lbs for 15
• Crunches on floor
• 3 sets of 20

Food Log:

• Meal 1 
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onion, and salsa 
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• BIG salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken 
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light string cheese
• 1oz almonds 
• Meal 4
• Not quite as big salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:   See Above  :)

Today's Weigh-In:  143.1

All Together?

No one ever has it "all together."  That's like trying to eat "once and for all."
- Marilyn Grey

Today, I admit to not having it all together.  

I admit to being less than perfect.  

I admit to leaving my superhero costume on the hanger.  

Today, I will settle for good enough.  

I will stop myself from doing more.  

I will accept the discomfort that comes with leaving something incomplete.

Today, I will make myself a priority.  

I will speak up for my needs.  

I will allow myself to let go of worries.

Tomorrow, I will let go of my yesterdays.  

I will reestablish my focus and determination.  

I will start afresh.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I challenge myself.

I grow.

I learn more about myself.

I am me.

Food Log:

• Meal 1 
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onion, and salsa 
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• BIG salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken 
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light string cheese
• 1oz almonds 
• Meal 4
• Not quite as big salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise: 

• Time:  47 minutes on elliptical
• Level:  Level 1 for 1 minute, Level 4 for 45 minutes, Level 1 for 1 minute
• Distance:  4 miles
• Calories:  550+

I was running late, low on energy, and really hungry so I didn't push myself for the full 60 minutes.



Today's Weigh-In:  144.0

Moo!

"I feel like such a cow!"

These words crossed my lips over the weekend.  My husband's response?  "You're not fat!  What are you talking about?"  I gave him a hug and laughed.  "I know I'm not fat, but I feel like a cow.  I'm grazing on green stuff continuously.  I'm producing huge amounts of methane gas.  And I've been making mooing noises in response to some of those annoying commercials on TV."

While this was only one example, it got me thinking about how often people make body-related statements where they're comparing themselves (or others) to animals.  Eat like a bird and you're picking away at your food.  Eat like a pig or a horse and you're eating a lot.  Strap on a feedbag and you're digging into your meal.  You might say you're a big as a cow, a hippo, or a whale.

It's not uncommon to attribute animal characteristics to humans (zoomorphism) - it's a convenient way to convey an idea.  Muhammad Ali is famous for saying "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee."  There are online quizzes to see what animal you are.  The Chinese zodiac has a different animal representing each year in the 12-year cycle.  It's such a part of our everyday language that we may not even be aware of using these descriptors.  We may not give a second thought to how they can influence our perceptions.  How often to people describe themselves as 550-lb female year-old bovines who have not yet birthed calves?  But if they call themselves heifers....  When did it become okay for people to put themselves down?  Is there even an awareness of how people degrade themselves with these comparisons?

I try to be conscious of the language I use when describing myself or others, and this includes animal-based references.  I intentionally said I felt like a cow because of specific behavioral similarities, not because of weight or appearance.  (I have a strong affection for cows and don't like to see them involved in any insults!)  Before looking to Noah's Ark for a way to describe someone's appearance or behavior, ask how you would describe that particular animal.  Is it possible to focus on the individual's attributes without alluding to animalistic traits?  And the next time you encounter a cow, pig, or orca, would you describe them by making references to your friends?  Who would be complimented or insulted?

Food Log:

• Meal 1 
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onion, and salsa 
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• BIG salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken 
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light string cheese
• 1oz almonds 
• Meal 4
• Not quite as big salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise: None (Planned)


Today's Weigh-In:  144.2

A Distorted View

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

Body image, simply put, is the way in which an individual views his or her physical presentation.  It's amazing how closely interconnected someone's external packaging can be related to the contents of the package, including an individual's self-esteem and self-confidence.  Not only that, but the packaging  isn't always viewed accurately in the first place!  So the influence it has on a person's sense of self can be inaccurate, exaggerated, and out-of-touch.  One study that showed how inaccurate self-perception can be examined the perceptions of women with anorexia.  These women  demonstrated a distorted perception of themselves but were able to accurately assess elements not related to themselves (other people and inanimate objects).  So it's not as though their eyes weren't working, it was the way in which they interpreted personal information that was distorted.

We know that the way we see ourselves isn't always how others see us.  More often than not, we are more critical of ourselves than others.  We nit-pick.  We hone in on flaws.  We make comparisons to others where we routinely come up lacking.  When evaluating oneself, people may not view themselves as being worthwhile unless their physical presentations are up to snuff.  And how often is that the case?  Is it possible to adopt an objective perspective when evaluating ourselves?  Can we separate physical appearance from self-worth?  More often than not, it seems that we can't.

While there are clinical disorders that are defined by distorted body images such as anorexia and body dysmorphia (and muscle dysmorphia), it's not uncommon for "normal" people to have substantially skewed views of themselves.  According to the website www.selfesteemawareness.com, 90% of women overestimate their size by about 25%.  There's also a tendency for women to hone in on a particular body part and see it as being larger than it really is.  It seems like the relationships between self-esteem and self-perception goes both ways.  Lower self-esteem can lead to more negative body image and a more negative body image can contribute to lower self-esteem.

Is there anything to be done to help boost self-esteem and address issues of body image?  There's programs like Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty that emphasize the importance of building self-esteem in girls, separating self-worth from external presentation.  There are efforts in the media to have a more realistic portrayal of people - incorporating a wider range of body types, ages, etc.  There have even been dolls with more realistic body proportions marketed to girls.  But are these efforts really making a difference?  I think they're increasing awareness and they're encouraging people to try, but it seems like such an uphill battle!

What am I doing to take care of my self-esteem and body image?  I try to remind myself that who I am is based on how I act, not on how I look.  I try to focus on what my body is capable of doing rather than what it's capable of fitting in.  I try to emphasize my skills and abilities as opposed to my measurements.  I try to look for the positive in myself and in others instead of getting sucked into criticizing and picking apart.  I try to challenge myself about the assumptions I may make based on presentation and packaging as opposed to falling prey to the messages of marketing (either from the media or a specific person).  I try to nurture and encourage myself instead of criticize myself and pick myself apart.

Am I perfect with these efforts?  Of course not.  I know that I don't have an accurate view of myself and I'm not able to completely separate my physical appearance from my sense of self, but I try.

Food Log:

• Meal 1 
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onion, and salsa 
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• BIG salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken 
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light string cheese
• 1oz almonds 
• Meal 4
• Not quite as big salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise: 

• Time:  60 minutes on elliptical
• Level:  Level 1 for 1 minute, Level 5 for 58 minutes (I ROCKED IT!), Level 1 for 1 minute
• Distance:  5.5 miles
• Calories: 675+

Today's Weigh-In:  144.2