I can be my own worst enemy. I know what I want to do. I know what I need to do to get there. I have a plan for how to do it. I can do it. I WANT to do it. So why do I then do things that undermine my efforts? Why do I sabotage myself?
Sometimes it feels as though, when my goals are just within my grasp, I head down a path that leads me away from them. Or once I've reached a short-term goal, I'll start making choices that derail me from reaching longer-term goals and that actually undermine those goals which I have already achieved. I often know what I'm doing in the moment. I'm aware that the choices don't relate to my goals and I pick them anyways.
There can be a fear of failure at work. I may doubt in my ability to reach my goals, even if it's something I want to do. It's safer to sabotage my efforts and blame that for my not succeeding than to try hard and not succeed. It can be scary to succeed. Once I attain a certain accomplishment, I might be expected to continue at that level or to take it even further.
Failure can also take the form of feeling as though I'll never measure up. When I compare myself to others, I feel as though I'll never be good enough. So why bother even trying? That perpetuates negative feelings about myself and dampens any enthusiasm or motivation I may have. This has an element of perfectionism (if I can't do it just right, I'm not going to do it at all) but also a tendency to idealize others' efforts (they're doing it perfectly, so what's wrong with me that I can't?).
If I can blame something else, then I'm able to protect my image of my self. It's not because I'm not capable or good enough, it's because something happened to take me off-track. "If I hadn't (fill in the blank), then I would have been able to reach that goal." "If (fill in the blank) hadn't happened to me, I would have succeeded."
How to combat this pattern? I think the first step is insight. By building my awareness, it's that much easier for me to notice when the self-sabotaging behaviors are starting to infiltrate. Related to this is the incorporation of supports to help me through these times. Other people can help keep me accountable to my goals and can encourage me to make positive choices. They can bring things to my awareness that I may be blind to on my own.
Keeping the focus on concrete behaviors can also help limit my self-sabotaging behaviors. That helps keep me from being overwhelmed by the larger goals I'm trying to achieve. What's the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time. If I focus on the next bite instead of all the bites ahead of me, I'm not going to get as frustrated or begin to feel like my efforts are pointless.
It's okay to be unsure. It's okay to have doubts and to question. There are no guarantees in life. That doesn't mean I don't try. It means that I reassess, modify, and find ways to make things work for me and my goals. I need to take care of all of myself - addressing self-sabotaging behaviors is part of this. They come from somewhere and the better I can understand this, the better I can know myself. And, as we all know, knowing is half the battle!
Food Log:
- Meal 1
- 2 egg whites with peppers, onions, and salsa
- 40g oatmeal
- Meal 2
- Apple
- Light cheese
- 1oz almonds
- Meal 3
- Salad
- 2 tablespoons salad dressing
- 3oz chicken
- Meal 4
- Green beans
- 3oz chicken
- 40g oatmeal
- Tablespoon of peanut butter
Exercise:
- Time: 60 minutes
- Level: Level 1 for 1 minute, Level 2 for 55 minutes, Level 1 for 4 minutes
- Calories: 750+
Today's Weigh-In: 150.2 / 149.9
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