Addiction?

When does exercise cross the line and become problematic?  Exercise addiction involves losing perspective of the role of exercise as part of a full life. But here's the quandary, it can be difficult to differentiate between a healthy athlete and an exercise addict that both may be working out at the same training level.  While the behaviors on the surface may be the same, the underlying thoughts and feelings are different.  While exercise is generally a positive experience that we encourage people to engage in as part of a healthy lifestyle, too much of a good thing can be unhealthy and damaging.

Where is that line?  In any given field, how often do we idolize those excel?  Those who are dedicated, disciplined, and hardworking?  We recognize, and possibly envy, their commitment.  Fitness definitely requires a commitment, but an addiction prioritizes exercise above other life commitments.  There's a definite imbalance where the emphasis on exercise overshadows all else.  Family and friends take the backseat to working out, as do activities that aren't exercise-related.  They're viewed as having less value or importance as compared to exercise.

Sometimes efforts to stay fit involve pushing through discomforts, but it's important to know when to back off.  Someone who's addicted to exercise will keep going, despite being injured, ill, or exhausted.  I'll admit that my mood is definitely influenced by my exercise routine.  But an addict will actually experience symptoms of withdrawal when kept from working out - anxiety, irritability, and depression are common.  I wonder if exercise addicts are pursuing that initial "high" that they experienced with fitness.  Similarly, a lot of addicts start using because it makes them feel good.  After a while, the effect isn't as powerful and they continue using more to stop feeling bad.

According to psychologist Sharon Stoliaroff, Ph.D., "Intense, high-achieving perfectionist individuals are particularly vulnerable to this addiction."  Yup, I know I'm definitely at risk here!  There's a definite sense of gratification associated with exercising, particularly when there are noticeable gains that reinforce efforts.  There's questions as to the role of low self-esteem, which I think is a strong possibility, though I would question if that negative self-concept may be specific to fitness-related aspects rather than a blanket statement.

Things to emphasis as a means for combating the risk of exercise addiction:

• Look for quality workouts over the quantity of the workouts
• Focus on concrete goals and objective measures to help assess the benefits of the workouts
• Recruit others (like a professional trainer) to help regulate and give feedback regarding efforts.
• Schedule non-exercise related activities, especially to fill extra free time.  Have things on-hand for unexpected downtime so there's something to turn to other than exercise.  

I'm definitely one who easily slips into the all-or-nothing mindset.  A consequence of this is a strong tendency to lose balance and perspective in my life, unless I make an effort to maintain that balance.   Flexibility and adaptability are key to a healthy fitness program.  An exercise addict has difficulty adjusting the regimen to accommodate the larger-scale demands.  Some days it's more of a push to get myself to exercise while other days I can't wait to get my cardio in.  Either way, in the grand scheme of things I do derive pleasure from exercising.  If I didn't, I don't think I could maintain the intensity.  Dr. George Sheehan (a running writer) said, "The things we do with our bodies should be done merely because they are fun -- not because they serve some serious purpose. If we are not doing something that is enjoyable on its own account we should look for something that is."

Why did I start thinking about exercise as an addiction?  I was talking with someone at work who referred to my exercising and eating as being a bit extreme.  (Keep in mind that one of the screening questions asked during an intake is whether or not an individual exercises for more than an hour a day - looking for behaviors related to eating disorders.)  So I started poking around online and found this article:  Know the signs of unhealthy exercise addiction | Active.com.  I don't believe I'm an exercise addict, though I can certainly be intense about my exercise.  Reading this article and mulling it over has just served to reinforce the value of balance in my life and the importance of making efforts to achieve this balance.

Food Log

• Meal 1  
• 2 egg whites with onion
• 40g oatmeal
  
• Meal 2 
• 3oz chicken
• Salad
• 2 tablespoons light salad dressing
• Meal 3
• Apple
• 1oz almonds
• Light cheese
• Meal 4
• 3oz chicken
• Salad
• 2 tablespoons light salad dressing
• 40g oatmeal
• Generous tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:

• Time:  60 minutes on elliptical
• Level:  1 - continuing to keep it low as I rebuild my conditioning
• Distance:  4 miles 
• Calories:  450 (?)  I did get my battery replaced in my HRM, so I'll be back to more reliable tracking tomorrow. 

Today's Weigh-In:  149.5 / 148.6

Welcome To The Real World

Why can't life be like it is on the TV or in movies?  Why can't I lose weight, be slim and attractive like celebrities?  Why does everything feel like such a struggle?

Welcome to the real world!

Much of what we compare ourselves to is not based on reality but rather a distorted presentation or perception of it.  When we lose connection with the real world, we also lose perspective regarding what we can expect of ourselves.  This ultimately can undermine our efforts and damage our likelihood of success.  It's almost like The Matrix:

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. 

Neo:  What truth?

Morpheus:  That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind. 

Only we're often a slave to those messages and images that surround us.  But it is the mind which ultimately holds the key as to whether or not we're slaves to that artificial world. 

The first question to ask is whether or not there's a readiness to commit to the plan at hand.  It's difficult to commit when the behavioral expectations and ultimate goals are out of reach.  Part of effective commitment has to do with being realistic about the things we expect of ourselves.

Once the commitment has been made, we can seek out guidance for how to implement the plan.  This can include education about the most effective strategies, the healthiest approaches, and the specific needs for each of us as individuals.  There are general principles that should apply across the board but sometimes they need to be modified to address the circumstances of one specific person.  Included with the guidance and education can be the support of other people. 

Celebrities may have entourages of personal chefs, trainers, nutrition experts, and possibly the doctor/plastic surgeon.    We "regular folk" need to pull together our own resources - programs available at the gym, workout buddies, support meetings like Weight Watchers.  Don't forget the benefit of online forums, magazines, and cookbooks. 

While is great if we're able to turn to other people to help us through the process, it's useless unless we're able to rely on ourselves first.  Think of all the celebrities who have teams of people doing nothing but trying to protect "the image" of those celebrities.  Even with all those resources at hand, these celebrities are often seen getting their noses dirty.  They're falling off the wagon, getting into trouble, or creating some kind of drama.  I'm not a religious person, but this reminds me of the idea that "God helps those who help themselves."  If we're not able to do the work ourselves, it's unrealistic to expect others to do that work for us.

We may have idealistic ideas about how things "should" be in our lives.  Personally, I'm happy that I don't live in an artificial world that's scripted and served to me.  I want to make the determination as to what's working and what isn't, based on what's relevant for me.  I want the range of experiences and emotions that come with real life, not the expressionless face of a Botox world.

The real world isn't perfect, but it's perfect for me.

Food Log

• Meal 1  
• 2 egg whites with onion
• 40g oatmeal
  
• Meal 2 
• 3oz chicken
• Green beans 
• Meal 3
• Apple
• 1oz almonds
• Light cheese
• Meal 4
• 3oz chicken
• Salad
• 2 tablespoons light salad dressing
• 40g oatmeal
• Generous tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise: None (planned)

 

Today's Weigh-In:  149.4

A Personal Measure Of Progress

There are so many ways that one can measure progress toward a particular goal.  When those goals are specific, measurable, and concrete, it can be easier to determine if you're getting closer to meeting them.  When these goals have been operationalized, it can be as straight forward as checking off each step as it's accomplished.

While I may use the scale or the size of my clothes as a way of gauging my progress, I know these are incredibly fickle and unreliable.  Clothing sizes vary between manufactures and even within one maker of clothes.  The scale shows a number but that doesn't represent changes in body mass, "time of the month" or other hormonal influences, water retention from a salty meal, or many other variables.

When I'm looking for ways to assess my progress, I do look at my specific goals, the scale, and the fit of my clothes.  In addition to these factors, I've identified a few personal measures that are unique to me.

In 1984, I had my appendix removed.  It was an emergency surgery, as I was misdiagnosed with food poisoning or some kind of stomach bug.  Because of this (and my body's natural tendency to develop keloids), I have a 3-inch scar across the right side of my abdomen.  How is this a gauge of my efforts?  When my weight is down, my stomach is smoother and the presence of the scar is less noticeable.  When my weight is up, I get an "overhang" of stomach protruding over the scar.  It's not dramatic, but it's enough of a bump for me to notice it when I'm standing or when I'm wearing clothes that fit close to my body.  I do tend to carry most of my excess weight in my abdomen, so it's not surprising that this scar is a means for monitoring changes in my weight.

My other gauge is probably pretty standard for women - chest size.  When my weight fluctuates, so does my bra size.  At my heaviest, I was a 36C but probably should have worn a 38B.  Now I'm solidly in the 34A range.  When I'm at my lowest weight, I'm a "less-than" 34A though not in the 32 range.  I'm impressed with how easily my chest size can change.  Actually, I've held onto my various sizes of bras in the off chance that I fluctuate up again - I'm thinking as a result of pregnancy, not overall weight gain.

So where do I stand?  My "overhang" is less pronounced than it has been but still more substantial than it was when I was 10 pounds lighter.  I wouldn't say that my cups runneth over, but my 34A bras are definitely full.  Also, over the weekend, I noticed a little bit of a back-roll with my bra - not substantial and it might have been because of the particular bra or the top I was wearing with it.  But I am conscious of how my body's looking and how my clothes are fitting.

Food Log

• Meal 1  
• 2 egg whites with onion
• 40g oatmeal
  
• Meal 2 
• 3oz chicken
• Green beans 
• Meal 3
• 3oz chicken
• Salad
• 2 tablespoons light salad dressing
• 40g oatmeal
• Generous tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:

• Time:  Elliptical for 50 minutes
• Level:  Level 1
• Calories: ~450

 

Today's Weigh-In:  149.4

Die Hard

First there was Die Hard, then Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Die Hard with a Vengeance, and Live Free or Die Hard.  So what does John McClane have to do with diet and exercise?  Bear with me for a moment.  I love the first movie.  It's a classic, hands down.  Then, the subsequent movies tried to reclaim that greatness but didn't quite get there (at least in my opinion, and I never got around to seeing the last installment).  It was clear what the sequels were trying to do and there was a flavor of it in each movie, but they just fell short.

Segway to my life....

I used to have HORRIBLE eating habits.  I was oblivious to the concept of serving sizes or portions.  Carbohydrates were a dominant staple in my diet, particularly simple carbs and refined sugars.  My husband and I would often have a bag of frozen cheese ravioli for dinner, accompanied by an entire loaf of Italian bread.  Veggies?  Nah.  Lean meats?  Sure, as long as they were accompanied by bread, cheese, sour cream, or other condiments/dressings/etc.  Consider that to be the original Die Hard.

Now each return to my "dirty" eating is like a sequel to this original pattern.  Elements of my old preferences and habits definitely come to the surface - I'm still vulnerable to the "John McClane" appeal.  However, it just doesn't have the same energy as the original.  Nowadays, continued "dirty" eating leaves me feeling horrible where before I felt normal despite eating all that junk.

I probably shouldn't be amazed by how easy it is for me to slip into the past behaviors associated with poor eating.  I hold out hope that the food will comfort me or help me feel better, but it never really does.  I have definite associations with particular foods and I'm more likely to turn to them when I'm feeling vulnerable/weak.  What do I turn to?  Macaroni and cheese is an old favorite and I easily polish off an entire box on my own for dinner.  Bread, in its many forms, is another comfort food.  Given that cereal is often not around in the house, I indulge with different cereals both for breakfast and for snacks (Honey Bunches of Oats and Cocoa Krispies are two popular cereals with me).  Then there's the chocolate, chips, and other goodies I'll graze on.

Noticing a trend here?  I'm definitely a carb-lover.  Given my past eating habits, it's really not surprising that my weight crept up to 190 pounds.  When these habits resurface, I can't be surprised to see the number on the scale begin to work its way up again.  It's not the same as the first go-round, but it's definitely got the same flavor to it and has me headed in that direction.

My goal is to interrupt the sequel before it begins to rival the original.  My husband asked if I'd have trouble returning to clean eating after all the indulging over the last few weeks.  Generally, I'm able to do it without great difficulty.  Once I put my mind to it, I just do it.  I stop buying the "dirty" foods, I throw out the foods already in the house, and I make sure to stock up the house with good choices.  

The one thing I'm looking at doing differently with this round of clean eating is to have "mandatory cheats" each week to help ward off the burn-out irritability I was starting to feel.  This week, I'll be treating myself to a Cadbury's Creme Egg - I bought a 4-pack of them and didn't have any before going back to my eating efforts.  I  LOVE this Easter treat and didn't have any last year.  I'm not going to go overboard with them, but am comfortable with having one a week as part of whatever cheat meal may be going on.

Yippie-Ki-Yay!

Food Log: 

• Meal 1 
• 2 egg whites
• 40g oatmeal
• Meal 2
• Apple
• Light cheese 
• Meal 3
• 3oz chicken
• 1oz almonds
• Meal4
• 3oz chicken
• Green beans
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing
• 40g oatmeal
• 1 tablespoon peanut butter 

Exercise: 

• Elliptical for 60 minutes
•  Level 1
• ~550 calories (went by reading on machine because HRM needs a new battery)4.25 miles

Today's Weigh-In: 152.1 / 151.1

2011 - Week 12 In Review

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this week has been a turning point for me.  Here's what happened:

Health:  On Monday, I went to my primary care physician where I was diagnosed with a sinus infection, dual ear infections, and a possible upper-chest infection (a la bronchitis).  I started a new antibiotic, had cough medicine with codeine to help with sleeping through the night, and an inhaler to help with those coughing fits.  Almost immediately, I began to have an improvement in symptoms.  I'm now at the point where I'm wrapping up the antibiotic but not really needing anything else for symptom management.

Exercise:  What's that?  I'm coming up on almost 4 weeks since I was exercising.  I'm definitely feeling up to it now that this infection is clearing up.  So I'll be aiming to resume my exercise routine this week.  I feel like I'm going to have to reintroduce myself to my trainer, given how long it's been since I've worked out with him.

Food:  M&Ms count as clean, right?  Just kidding!  I gave up even trying to eat clean this week.  At the beginning of the week, I was so frustrated and worn-out with continuing to be sick that I just didn't care anymore.  I was too busy and tired to want to go grocery shopping or to cook anything.  I will admit that there was an anger/resentment about having to restrict my protein and trying to eat clean with the kidney-related restrictions.  So I allowed myself to over-eat on all the carbs that are typically off the table.  Then we were out of town from Thursday to Sunday and I just wanted to enjoy yummy food (and drink).  I HAD to try the beignets at Cafe Du Monde and at Cafe Beignet to see which were better.

Overall:  By the end of the week, I was feeling better and ready to exercise again.  I'm tired of feeling doughy and sluggish.  I'm uncomfortable in my body - both because of being sick and because of gaining weight.  My clothes have definitely been more tight and I've just felt awkward in my clothes.  This was a particular frustration while in New Orleans, as I felt more self-conscious about my appearance while at the conference.  Then add in the evenings on Bourbon Street where I just felt schlumpy.  It didn't help that I failed to properly pack for the trip (due to illness, busyness, and limited laundry options), so I was in 80-degree weather with nothing packed but jeans and light-weight sweaters.

Goals:  Get back to exercising and eating clean and stick on this road to healthiness!!!  The weight and the (dis)comfort with my body will all sort itself out as I get my behaviors back on track.

Measuring Success

What is the definition of success?  How do we know if we're successful or not?  Society's message  seems to be that we're all winners.  Or at least that's how many interpret the message that comes with every child receiving a trophy at the end of the soccer season. 

I'm actually a fan of recognizing a person's efforts, but is that the same as winning?  No.  Winning simply means that you did better (or less bad) than others on a given day.  That's why a baseball season has 162 games and not just the playoffs.  There's a recognition that consistency and effort over the long-term are as important (or more important) than performance on a given day.  And that's what is really an integral part of being successful.  The emphasis is on the behaviors, not the ultimate outcome.  While the outcome is important, chances are it won't occur without the consistent behaviors and the efforts needed to implement them.

I want to give more thought to the elements that contribute to success, but my brain just can't work through it at the moment.  I hope I haven't lost too many braincells with my excessive nose-blowing!

Perspective

"How are you feeling?"  "How challenging is the workout?"  "How hard did you push yourself?"  These can be tough questions to answer, because they're always subjective.  My husband get's frustrated when he asks me a "yes-no" question and I give him a narrative in response.  Am I feeling better?  Better than what?  Better as in back to 100%?  Better given the activities I engaged in today as compared to yesterday?  See what I mean?

That perspective is also important to keep in mind when evaluating other aspects of life.  More specifically, it's important to put that perspective in a given context.  Here's what I'm thinking:  My weight has crept up a bit over the last few weeks, what with not exercising and not eating clean.  I'm more conscious of this weight increase because it's more significant in proportion to my current weight.  I feel like the extra 6 pounds are more noticeable when it's 142 to 148 than it was when I went from 180 to 186.  It's objectively the same amount of weight but it's also a subjectively different experience.  Does that make sense?

If my clothes are a bit more snug right now, are they really snug?  Or am I feeling a bit more self-conscious about my appearance because I haven't been feeling well, because I'm worn-out and exhausted from being sick, because I'm sluggish from not exercising, or because I'm more focused on tightness in my body from coughing and sneezing?

I think everything is best-understood when it's placed within it's particular context.  That's not the same as making excuses or muddying the waters.  I'm not a politician and I don't straddle the fence, rather I want to provide the richest answer possible.  When asked the question "Do you like ice cream?" which response is the most useful:

• Yes.
• Yes.  Chubby Hubby's my favorite.  I don't like coffee-flavored.  Just about everything else is okay in my book.

-or-

• No.
• No, I'm lactose-intolerant so I go for soy ice cream instead.

I don't think it's "running on at the mouth" or providing unnecessary details.  Sometimes they're worthwhile details that allow for a more in-depth understanding of what's going on.  So....

Am I feeling better?  Nope.  Not at all.  Still trying to work through everything with my doctor.  The medications I've been getting just aren't doing anything for me.

Am I heavier?  Yup.  I'm probably up 6-8 pounds over the last 3 weeks.  I haven't been exercising and I've been eating more.  I haven't re-gained ALL the weight I've ever lost.  It would take a lot of work to re-gain another 40 pounds.  I didn't gain that weight over a month or two the first time around and it won't happen that way this time either. 

Is this gain permanent?  Nope.  I've lost weight before and I'll lose it again.  Once I'm back to feeling healthy, I'll return to my previous exercise and eating programs.  

 

My husband asked if it would be difficult to get back to eating clean after my cheating.  Nope.  I tend to get back on plan pretty easily.  Once I've got a plan in place - and the capacity to follow it - then I just follow it.

Here's to keeping life in perspective!

2011 - Week 11 in Review

In a word - SICK!  This is going on 3 weeks of being sick and I'm fed-up and frustrated with the whole thing.  I don't think I've improved at all over the week, despite going to urgent care on Monday.  I've taken my antibiotics and nasal spray with no noticeable impact.  I do have an appointment with my primary care physician tomorrow morning.  My hope is to get something heavy-duty for symptom management (at the very least).  Given the continuance of "The Plague," I haven't eaten clean this week and I haven't exercised either.  One of the disappointments about my cheat meals is that I'm too congested to be able to fully taste and enjoy them!  BOO!

My priority for the week is to get healthy (obviously).  Tuesday and Wednesday are full days, working 10-8 each day with no breaks.  These are days when I pray for cancellations!  Then Thursday, my husband and I are off to New Orleans for the weekend.  I'm attending and presenting at a conference.  I hope that I'm able to do more than give my talks and fall asleep - it would be such a waste to go down there and no be able to enjoy the city!

So what's my plan?  After the doctor's visit, I'm going to follow whatever the doctor's orders are.  I'm not going to do a lot of grocery shopping for the 3 days before we leave, but I do need to pick up some food to get us through those days.  I'm not going to stress about eating clean, but I do want to have healthier foods around.  Fortunately, I finished off the enormous bag of M&Ms so they're no longer in the equation.  They're just in my belly!

I'm not going to bother with doing any food-prep for the trip to New Orleans, both because I don't have time and because I don't feel up to it.  We get into town early enough on Thursday that I may consider seeking out a grocery store to get some supplies.  If I don't have food on-hand, I'll try to make better choices out of what's available to me.  I WILL be enjoying some alcohol while there, but will be somewhat limited most nights because my presentations (where I'm presenting, not just attending) are early in the morning.

If I can get through this week, get progressively healthier, have  uneventful travels, and give some solid talks, I'll consider it a successful week!  Anything above and beyond that is gravy!

Just A Log

Still feeling quite sick today, and I probably wore myself out with some extra activities at work.  So the day's post is a bit of a cop-out.  My plan is to sleep in tomorrow and spend as much time as possible doing nothing and giving my body a chance to recover.  I've got an appointment with my primary care physician on Monday morning, and I'm hoping that will offer me some relief.  How much snot can one nose produce?

Yes, I did treat myself with visits to Starbucks, both on my way to and from a presentation at lunchtime.  That presentation was one of the ways I think I over-extended myself today.

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• Bagel with peanut butter
• Meal 2
• Venti skinny hazelnut latte
• Meal 3
• Chicken tarragon sandwich
• Tall skinny iced chai latte
• Classic coffee cake
• Meal 4
• Chicken and dumpling soup with matzo balls
• Perogi
• M&Ms

Creating Goals

What does it take to create successful goals?  Do a search online online and you'll come across nearly 5.5 million sites all associated with "effective goal setting" (the Google search I ran).  Even with that many sites, they're all saying the same basic points.  Here's what it comes down to:

• Make realistic goals.  It's difficult to reach them if they're not attainable to begin with!
• Make goals that are a priority in your life.  I may have the goal of running a marathon, but if it's not really important to me, I'm not going to work at it.  If there's no reason for working toward these goals, chances are I'll let other things draw my attention away from these goals.  The best way to do this is to develop goals that are personally relevant.
• Have a range of goals that are both immediate and distant.  The short-term goals help with more immediate successes that keep the motivation going for the longer-term goals.  And the more connected the short- and long-term goals are, the better.  They're all interconnected pieces that build on one another.
• When setting these goals, make them specific and measurable.  The more concrete the better, because that's how you're able to tell if you're reaching them.  Abstract goals can be easily fudged or never attained.  
• Operationalize the goals, by setting out the steps you're going to take toward reaching them. Specify these components in the same way as defining goals - specific and measurable.  What does "eating clean" mean?  How will it be implemented and how often? 
• Tough but not too tough - If a goal's too easy, chances are it'll be dismissed.  Why put the time into something when it's a "gimme" accomplishment.  Similarly, if the goal's too challenging, it can just as easily be dismissed because it's an "impossible" accomplishment.  Finding that balance can be really difficult but it's important.
• Construct goals so that they're positively phrased instead of negatively.  It may seem like semantics or a mind game, but it really can make a difference in how you feel about the goals and your efforts toward them.  "Don't gain weight" sounds more punishing than "Maintain current weight."  "Don't spend the weekend on the couch" is all-or-nothing versus "Do something physically active each day over the weekend" and I won't feel guilt if I spend a little time on the couch. 
• What's the due date?  Set a deadline for achieving these goals, but make sure it's realistic.  Losing 20 pounds in 20 days isn't realistic, but in 4-5 months is definitely plausible.  That builds into the short-term and long-term definition.  Also, if an effort is interminable it can feel much more tedious and burdensome and increase the likelihood of burnout.  Each mini-deadline can build on the last;  while you're never really done you're, you're not overwhelmed by the scope of it all.
• Once these goals have been identified, write them down!  That makes them even more concrete.  Have them visible and post them somewhere.  This serves as a regular reminder of what you're working toward.
• Assess, reassess, and reassess again - Things are always changing.  Goals may become outdated.  Strategies may not be effective.  New supports or approaches may become available.
• Support yourself!  I'm not just talking about finding the right sports bra or sneakers here.  Social supports are an integral part of self-care and motivation.  I've found support in so many different areas of my life and I'm amazed at how, without intending to, they often carry over to my dietary and fitness efforts
• Work in rewards, both for the efforts and the accomplishments.  While I "should" be working toward these goals because they are inherently rewarding, that's not always enough.  I love my job, but I'm not willing to do it for free.  Similarly, why should I work toward these goals for "free"?  I do try to identify non-food rewards, since foods would probably undermine my progress toward goals. Just like with the goals, it's helpful to write out the rewards.  When we were kids, rewards came more easily because they were delivered by the adults in our lives.  Now, as the delivering adult, it's easier to say that I don't really deserve the reward (because it's what I should have been doing all along) or to just go ahead and give myself the reward without fully "earning" it because it's my money/time/etc. and I'm not going to let some arbitrary plan be the boss of me.

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• Bagel with peanut butter
• Meal 2
• Tomato soup
• Pita chips
• Meal 3
• 2 crispy granola bars
• Mixed nuts
• Light cheese
• Meal 4
• Curried lentil soup
• Perogi
• M&Ms

I've Lost All Motivation! Where Is My Motivation?

This week has been a case of throwing in the towel.  Simply put, I've had the "fuck-its" and I haven't tried to fight it.  It's primarily due to my being sick and feeling lousy because of it.  I am feeling better, but I'm still in that limbo of not feeling sick enough to stay home sick but still not healthy enough to resume exercising.  I'm still irritated and annoyed with this "impairment" and am more likely to express this exasperation through chowing down on junk.

Sometimes I may misinterpret various external factors so that they feed into these lousy feelings.  This can include the number on the scale, which is why I'm taking a break from weighing myself.  I know the number's up to the range I was in at the beginning of the year.  But I also know that the number isn't an accurate reflection of where I am in my efforts.  I want to give myself a chance to have that number "rebalance" itself before I resume tracking it again.  Because watching that number creep up can have the effect of running over my motivation with a Mack truck!

Recently, I've felt as though I've been losing steam.  My guess is that this is primarily due to the restrictions of the reduced protein diet.  Not only has it led to an overall lower energy level, but it left me frustrated as my weight loss plateaued.  There's also been a lot of stress in my life, though I've managed to resolve a lot of it in the last week or so.  That helped me to feel a bit better about taking on life's adventures, but it wasn't enough to counteract my sinus infection.  That REALLY laid me out!

I'm hoping that this "Week of Cheat" is enough to revitalize me.  I'm focusing on getting enough sleep and not taxing myself.  I'm basically giving myself permission to eat whatever I want to eat.  My plan is to start back with some light to moderate exercising on Friday afternoon.  Hopefully back to regular cardio on Saturday and back to lifting with the trainer on Sunday.  As for the eating, I've got enough soup to keep me going through Friday evening.  I figure I'll start with eating clean on Saturday, though we're probably going to be eating dinner out that evening in celebration of my brother-in-law's birthday.  Sunday will be back full force, provided I get to the grocery store to re-stock on all my veggies.


Food Log:

• Meal 1
• Bagel with peanut butter
• Meal 2
• Chex mix
• Tomato soup
• Pita chips
• Meal 3 (Revenge of the Fuck-Its!)
• Granola bars
• Mini moon pie
• Nutter buddy bar
• Popcorn
• Meal 4
• Sweet potato chipotle soup
• Perogi
• M&Ms

Double Standard?

Walking around at PAX this weekend, I saw a couple of guys carrying gallon-sized water jugs and I caught myself wondering - is there a double standard?  Are there certain things that are more okay for men to do than it is for women?  Here are some of the points that came to mind as I pondered potential double standards:

• Working out - It's more okay for men to lift weights and for women to do cardio (more specifically group fitness classes)
• Strength - Men can be muscular or visibly strong while women are more expected to be lean and non-bulky
• Effort - Men can put time and effort into working out while it's expected to come "naturally" to women, as if no effort were needed to be fit
• Appetite - Men can have a big appetite while it's "unladylike" for a woman to eat the same way

I'm sure there are a bunch of other fitness-related double standards, and I know there are tons of other double standards throughout society.  There definitely were more guys than gals at the convention, with sense that it's more okay for guys to be gamers and geeks.  Men get more "distinguished" as they age while women just get old.  Men can be portly or stout while women are fat.  And I know that the double standards go the other way as well.  My husband and I have talked about a number of jokes or commercials on TV that are "male bashing" where if it was directed toward a woman it would be sexist and demeaning.  Also, it's okay for women to stay home with the kids while "Mr. Mom" is still an oddity (as the title itself implies).  Men are expected to be the breadwinners and there's something wrong with them if their spouses out-earn them.

There are so many differing expectations along gender lines and I know I'm only scratching the surface here.  (I also don't think my thoughts are as coherently formed as they could be, but I'll blame that on the sinus infection.)  What it comes down to is that there is a lot of judgment going on all around us.  Sometimes we're judging ourselves, sometimes we're being judged by others, sometimes it feels like we're being judged by society as a whole.  Gender is one of the more obvious criteria by which people are judged or evaluated, because it's typically one of the more obvious characteristics about an individual (race/skin color being another one).  When someone tells me I shouldn't be doing something, I'll ask myself (and them) why not.  What's wrong with my having well-defined arms?  Why is it okay for that guy over there to have biceps but not for me?  Why is a muscular man deemed attractive but not a muscular woman?  (And, yes, I recognize that there are extremes in all these areas as well as personal preferences.)

I don't want to be told that I can't or shouldn't do something because I'm a girl.  Let me determine my own limits and boundaries, based on what I choose to do and what my body is capable of.  I can be strong.  I can be a geek.  I can have an appetite.  I can take pride in myself and what I'm able to do.  As it said on the t-shirt my parents gave me years ago:  

"Whoever said that the last man standing wins didn't ask a girl to play!"

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• Challah with peanut butter
• Meal 2
• Chicken tortilla soup
• Pita chips
• Meal 3 (BINGE! A serious case of the "fuck its" hit this afternoon)
• 2 Nutter Buddies
• 1/2 a box of Thin Mints (blasted Girl Scouts and their cookies!)
• Chex mix
• Mixed nuts
• Light cheese
• Meal 4
• Matzo ball soup
• Perogis
• Mixed nuts

Exercise:  None
Today's Weigh-In:  Not happening while I'm sick (it's just depressing and I'm already feeling down and grungy with being sick)

The Plague

It's official - I have a sinus infection.  I went over to the Urgent Care Clinic this afternoon because I couldn't get an appointment with my primary care physician.  I left with an antibiotic, a steroidal nasal spray, and the expectation that I'd start to feel better in a couple of days and should be back to normal by the weekend.  I'll still take Tylenol, suck on cough drops, and guzzle my tea.  I'm going to try Breathe Right strips as well, to see if they help with the congestion. 

Being sick is definitely a struggle for me.  I'm NOT a good patient and don't really know how to take it easy, though my body forces me to slow down.  I start to feel sluggish almost instantly.  I know I'm not bloating up and gaining a lot of weight, but it feels like it.  I'm choosing to not focus on my weight - getting healthy is more a priority.  As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I do wonder if my current illness has dragged out longer because I've been eating a more restricted/calorie-deficient diet.  So I'm going to eat well, just not as clean as I would ordinarily.  I definitely have the vulnerability to choosing junk food when I'm feeling sick, as if it's going to comfort me.  A little extra treat is fine, but I don't need to buy out the candy aisle because of some congestion.  I didn't get sick because of a lack of gummy bears and I won't get better by eating them either.

Exercise is officially on-hold until I'm feeling better.  While the course of antibiotics is a full 10 days, I don't think I'll need to wait until then.  Instead, I'm going to give myself the next few days off in favor of extra sleep.  If my temperature stays consistently below 99.0, my breathing is easier, and my coughing has subsided, then I'll consider myself ready for exercise.  I know I won't be ready for the elliptical tomorrow.  The next possible day would be Friday, so that's a "guilt-free" recovery time for me in there.  I just remind myself of all the great stuff that the Tivo will have waiting for me once I'm ready to get into the cardio groove again.

Meanwhile, I'm making time for earlier bedtimes, later wake-up calls, cocooning on the couch under blankets, and pampering myself (or letting my husband pamper me).  Here's to a speedy recovery!

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• Small cup of chocolate frozen yogurt with sprinkling of granola and strawberries
• Meal 2
• 2 Nature's Valley crispy granola bars
• Meal 3
• Matzo ball soup
• Perogis
• Mixed nuts
• M&Ms
• Meal 4
• Bagel with peanut butter

Exercise:  None
Today's Weigh-In: 148.1 / 146.6 (elevated from travel and off-plan eating)

2011 - Week 10 In Review

(Yes, I'm moving my weekly review to Sunday.)
Week 10 was a challenge for me as I continued to struggle with being sick.  My overall stress-level was lower, in part because I was forced to take it easy with being sick.  The trip to Boston was a lot of fun and there were many lessons to be learned about traveling and eating clean.

Exercise

• Days of Exercise: 0 (Zero?  Wow!)
• Review:  This was a tough week for me physically.  I felt more sluggish, which could easily be a combination of being sick and not exercising.  With not exercising each day, I suddenly had more time available to take care of other things.  I think that contributed to feeling less stressed, as I had extra time to sleep in or to putter around the house.  On the flip side, however, I became even more aware of how I use exercise as a coping strategy for dealing with life's stressors.  There were a couple of times this week when I wish I had the energy to climb on the elliptical and pound away for an hour to release myself from the day's frustrations.
• Goals: I already canceled my session with the trainer for tomorrow because I know I'm not going to be up to it.  I'm not going to make myself exercise when I'm not physically up to it.  Part of what I think exacerbated my illness in the first place was the Friday night workout last week.  This is an okay arrangement for me, given that my schedule is quite busy this week as well.  I want to take care of myself - being physically active is part of this, but so is being healthy.

• Eating
• Days of Clean Eating: 5 (Sun-Thurs)
• Review:  I'm really proud of myself for eating clean the whole week, what with being sick and traveling.  In Boston, I ate clean for the first half of each day.  Here's the breakdown:
• Friday:
• 3 egg whites, oatmeal
• salad w. 2 tbs salad dressing, 3oz chicken
• light cheese, 1oz almonds
• steak (quite disappointing)
• mac-n-cheese, French onion soup (as I was still hungry after the steak)
• a few cookies, tbs of peanut butter
• Saturday:
• 3 egg whites, oatmeal
• apple, light cheese, 1oz almonds
• grilled chicken sandwich w. bacon and cheese, french fries
• slice of cake the size of my head
• bruschetta, gnocchi (dinner in Little Italy)
• hazelnut cannoli, chocolate creme brulee (dessert from Little Italy)
• Sunday:
• 3 egg whites, oatmeal
• tomato soup, tandoori chicken sandwich, chips
• candy, candy, candy - obviously I needed more calories in an attempt to get healthy and candy would be the way to do that.  I'm sure any physician would agree!
• tbs of peanut butter
  
• Goals:  My plan is to eat well, but not necessarily "clean" for the next week.  I've been wondering if part of why I haven't been getting better is because I've been eating strictly and perhaps not getting enough calories to help my body recover/heal.

• Overall
• Review:  An okay week, given everything that's been going on health-wise.  Here are a couple of lessons I've learned from this past week of sickness and travel:
• "Hard-boiled eggs" aren't really hard.  They traveled well and were easy to have on hand for breakfast each morning.  I did learn that they would travel better in a hard container rather than a ziploc bag, as a few of them were squished in transit.  They were still edible and it's something I'll try again for the next trip.
• Oatmeal travels well, tastes good cold, and is still one of my favorites.  A yummy treat to have each morning.
• Requesting a fridge doesn't mean getting a fridge.  By the time we checked in, all the fridges had been given out.  There was a "beverage cooler" in the room, but it wasn't as cool as a regular fridge.  It was cool enough for most of the foods I brought, but not ideal.
• The salad worked well for Thursday night (on the plane) and Friday afternoon.  While I had enough salad to eat for Saturday and Sunday as well, it didn't stay fresh enough in the "beverage cooler" for me to feel comfortable eating it.
• Chopped veggies (peppers, cucumber, etc) will get squished at the bottom of a backpack if transported in a ziploc bag.  I hadn't wanted to use plastic containers for everything because of the space they'd take up, but it probably would have been a better idea.
• My Water Bobble worked quite well.  I had filtered water for tea in the morning (using my travel mug), some Crystal Light on Friday, and drinking water throughout the weekend.  I still don't think I drank enough, but at least I was able to drink some.
  
• Goals:  This week's goal will be to get healthy!

Traveling

Today is the trip up to Boston and I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my flight which is over an hour delayed (and counting). I packed half of the smaller suitcase with food, which will hopefully arrive intact. I continue to be amazed at how heavy food can be the little suitcase weighs just as much as the medium-sized suitcase filled with clothes and toiletries. But I managed to pack enough food to cover 9 meals over the next 3 days, along with a few extras. My husband groaned when I told him there was a baggie of Splenda in there, anticipating that it will trigger a security search. My plan is to eat the food while in Boston and then fill that space in the suitcase with games and "swag" for the trip home.

My carry-on has worked pretty nicely. I had a Tupperware filled with salad. I chopped it at home and tossed the salad dressing in there as well. Carrying it around in my backpack distributed the dressing nicely. I had no difficulty with security. Because our flight was delayed for an hour, we decided to get "real food" for dinner. We went to the Silver Diner where my husband could order something. I asked the waitress if I could eat my own food or if she'd prefer that I eat it at the gate. She said I could eat my food and that she'd beat up anyone who challenged me. What a sweetie! Yeah, she got a good tip. So I had my salad and chicken with no issues.

I still have my apple, cheese, and almonds for the plane or for once we land. I'm thinking I'll save them for once we get to the hotel, since we'll probably sit around and play games for a while. Then I can have oatmeal and peanut butter before going to sleep.

I ended up hard-boiling eggs for breakfast - 3 for each day since that's pretty close to the half-cup of egg whites I fix at home (I'll be discarding the yolks). I also fixed a serving of oatmeal for each morning. I actually like cold oatmeal, so it's a yummy meal all around.

Food Log:
Meal 1
- 2 eggs whites with peppers and salsa (no onions today)
- 40g oatmeal
Meal 2
- Salad
- 2 tablespoons salad dressing
- 3oz chicken
Meal 3
- Apple
- Light cheese
- 1oz almonds
Meal 4
- 40g oatmeal
- Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise: None. Plague continues. Will go to doctor if it continues into next week, though I'm sure this weekend will exacerbate my symptoms.

Weigh-in: 144.7 / 143.7

Preparing For PAX

Tomorrow evening, my husband and I head to Boston for a weekend with friends.  Simply put, we'll be "nerding out" at PAX East, a gaming convention.  It's a planned "cheat" weekend for me, but I'm planning to refrain from completely throwing in the towel.  Here's part of my planning:

• PAX Snax:  I've got some food prepared for the flight and the weekend to help with making clean choices.  Remember, I've requested a fridge in the hotel room.  It's not guaranteed, but I'm hopeful to get it.
• Bell peppers, cucumbers, and baby carrots for snacking on
• 3 pre-weighted portions of chicken
• Tubs of salad for dinner on Thursday and a lunch or two
• 3 meals of apple, almonds, and light cheese
• Peanut butter for a before-bed treat
• Travel mug, tea bags, and Splenda (since the line at Starbucks is probably going to be incredibly long)
• Hard-boiled egg whites for breakfasts (haven't done this yet, but I'm considering it if I have time tomorrow)
• The question of exercising:  I haven't yet decided if I'm going to try and get a workout in.  I haven't exercised since last Friday, and before that it was last Tuesday.  Being sick has really wiped me out.  If I can feel up to it, I'd like to get a workout in; but I'm also there for fun, enjoyment, and relaxation.  I'm going to be doing a lot of walking around anyway, so there's going to be some exercise just by attending the convention.
• I'm definitely planning for cheat meals on Friday and Saturday night.  My friend has already picked the restaurants, so I've checked out the menus and started to think about what I might want to order.  I want to make sure that I enjoy the food options I have to choose from, so I'm going to do my best to speak up without being obnoxious.  Given how infrequently I have cheat meals, I do hope they're worth while!
• Bobble:  I've got a water bottle with a built-in water filter, so I can fill it up at a water fountain and still have non-icky tasting water.  I'm also considering bringing my smaller Crystal Light packets and my workout bottle so I can mix up some flavored drinks as well.  But I know I won't be as well-watered as I typically am.  It's probably going to be a good thing, given that I'm not sure how accessible the bathrooms are going to be!

Throughout all this, I'm reminding myself that the whole point of this trip is to relax, have fun, and enjoy the company of my friends (all 24000 in attendance!).  I'm not out to binge or to deny myself.  It's all about moderation, balance, and getting my geek on!

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with red pepper, onion, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, and a bit of Splenda
• Meal 2
• 1oz almonds
• Light cheese
• Meal 3
• 3oz chicken 
• Green beans
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing 
• 40g oatmeal
• 2 tablespoons of peanut butter (a little extra treat there!) 

Exercise:  None (It continues!) due to continued recovery from sickness.  I made the mistake of not taking Nyquil last night and consequently spent the whole night laying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to fall asleep while breathing through one nostril, continually blowing my nose, and listening to my husband snore.  So I wound up feeling more sick today than I did yesterday.  BLECH!

Today's Weigh-In: 142.7 / 142.7

The Importance of Support

I don't think it's possible to underestimate the importance of a supportive environment.  Human beings are, by nature, social creatures.  Feeling connected to and understood by others can be incredibly powerful.  It can help reinforce individual focus on personal goals and drive motivation for pursuing these goals.

Support is different from reassurance and the two shouldn't be confused.  Reassurance is designed to make immediate discomfort go away, by saying the "right" thing to placate or to quell worries.  "Make me feel better."  But that reassurance if often only temporary.  Support, however, is really focused on caring on a larger scale.  It may involve saying things that the other person doesn't want to hear.  Creating a supportive environment is encouraging someone to grow.  It's providing a scaffolding that facilitates someone's reaching greater goals.

There are numerous sources of support, and it's not always where you'd expect to find it.  Sometimes the people you think would be the most supportive aren't, and those you wouldn't typically turn to are the ones who really step up to the plate.  When considering the connections around me, I realize that it reaches further than my friends and family.  There are people that I interact with the gym - and I probably don't even know their names.  There are online communities of people that share the same interests and pursuits.  Supports can even include books, magazines, and websites that can be reinforcing as well as educating.

Sometimes I may be concerned that I'm overly reliant on other people.  While support is important, it can't take the place of personal substance.  To continue with the scaffolding analogy, the scaffolding doesn't stand on it's own but rather grows up around the building and allows it to reach greater heights.  The scaffolding is nothing without the building and the building ultimately has to rely on its own foundation and structural integrity.  Simply put, I want to make sure I'm the strongest, most solid, and tallest building I can be.

Just as supports are very important, unsupportive elements are equally important in how they can undermine one's structural integrity.  While it can be tough to do at times, it's okay to cut out those in your life that aren't supportive.  This doesn't necessarily mean ending those relationships, but rather limiting their influence in your life.  I've made the choice to not broach certain topics with specific people because I know that they're not going to provide the support or understanding that I'm looking for.

There is a give and take of supports.  Just as I turn to others for support, I also aim to be a support to others.  I try to be understanding of the circumstances and challenges that others may face.  I don't want to impose my opinions or be perceived as judgemental/critical.  Every interaction is an opportunity to support and to be supported.

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with red pepper, onion, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, and a bit of Splenda
• Meal 2
• 1oz almonds
• Light cheese
• Apple
• Meal 3
• 3oz chicken 
• Salad
• 2 tablespoons salad dressing 
• 40g oatmeal
• 2 tablespoons of peanut butter (a little extra treat there!) 

Exercise:  None (STILL!) due to continued recovery from sickness.  I crashed after work today, driving home that I'm not all there yet.

Today's Weigh-In: 142.3 / 142.2

Why Am I Doing This?

Why do I routinely commit over 6 hours a week to exercising?  Why do I weight out my portions of chicken and oatmeal for each meal?  Why do I carry around a gallon-sized jug wherever I go?  Why do I turn down pizza and Chinese food and chow down on enormous bowls of salads instead?

It's not my job.  I choose to do all this on top of a full-time job that demands a lot of my time and energy to begin with.  I don't get paid to do this.  In fact, I pay for the privilege.  I pay for the gym membership and the training sessions.  There's no formal recognition of my accomplishments.  I'm not participating in any figure competitions or walking across a stage seeking applause.

Everyday, I do this for me.  I do this because I can.  I do this because I don't know how to not make my best effort.  I'm a perfectionist.  No matter what I do, I always feel like I could do more.  When I receive feedback from others, I often hear it as criticism or judgement - the message I hear is that I need to improve.  I repeatedly feel as though I am trying to meet abstract standards or expectations.  While I don't believe it is explicitly stated  by others, I am often left feeling as though I don't measure up.  I know that this is stems from a lifetime of personal insecurities.  

 

While I did well in school, my grades were never quite good enough.  Funny how I can discount making the honor roll (just about every quarter, if I remember) and being in the National Honor Society.  While I went to a good college, it wasn't the best school.  Sure it's one of the Seven Sisters and is ranked 12th in the nation among liberal arts colleges, but I think it was only ranked 16th when I was there.  And even if it was a great school (which I truly think it is and was), I probably wasn't good enough to be there.  I wasn't as smart as those around me, despite my continuing to earn solid grades and get into a doctoral program.  While I've earned my Ph.D., I find ways to discount my training and feel as though I'm not as qualified or as capable as my colleagues.  How is it that I can discount the fact that I'm recognized as an expert in my field, on a local, state, and even national level.? Funny how that goes, huh?

 

Aside from school and work, these insecurities and doubts permeate just about every other aspect of my life.  I'm not a good enough wife.  I should be more attentive to my husband's needs and interests.  I'm not a good enough friend or daughter.  I should be better about keeping in touch with people.  I should be more thoughtful of other people.  I'm not a good enough housekeeper.  I'm not a good enough cook.  I'm not as literate or as well-read as I should be.  I'm not as politically informed as I should be.  I'm not as cultured, as well-traveled, as articulate....  You name it and chances are I can find a way in which I should be better at it.

 

Why do I push myself to always be better? I'm afraid I'll be found out as a fraud.  I'm afraid that someone will discount my achievements.  I'm afraid that all I've done will be taken away from me.  

 

Growing up, I felt as though I was never athletic enough, fit enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, feminine enough.  I've taken on these challenges.  "They" can't take my body away from me or what I've been able to accomplish with it.  I feel like everything else is subjective, but there's no denying the "objective" truth of my physical capabilities.  (Yes, I recognize that they're actually just as subjective as every other measure of accomplishment in my life.)

 

I've been working for years on challenging these insecurities.  I'm doing MUCH better at talking myself through these irrational thoughts (and recognizing these thoughts in the first place!).  It's easier for me to acknowledge my successes.  I do struggle with moderation in my life, but that's something I try to work on.  I'm striving to better define my own personal goals, outside of what I feel I "should" be doing.  I want to focus on continuing to challenge myself without undermining myself or putting myself down.  It's not about accomplishments or accolades, but what I've done to bring myself to that level. 

I do this because I can.  I do this because it feels good to me, both physically and emotionally.  I do this because it's a way of taking care of myself.  I do this because it's a reminder of my capabilities and my limitations.  I do this because I want to see what I can do and where I can take it.  I do this because I'm good enough and I'm worth the effort.

Food Log:

• Meal 1
• 2 egg whites with red pepper, onion, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, and a bit of Splenda
• Meal 2
• 1oz almonds
• Light cheese
• Apple
• Meal 3
• 3oz chicken 
• Green beans
• 1 tablespoon salad dressing 
• 40g oatmeal
• 2 tablespoons of peanut butter (a little extra treat there!) 

Exercise:  None (AGAIN!) due to continued recovery from sickness.  Bummed about bailing on the training session this evening, but I followed my husband's advice on moderation and opted to take another day off.

Today's Weigh-In: 141.6 / 140.6