Why do I routinely commit over 6 hours a week to exercising? Why do I weight out my portions of chicken and oatmeal for each meal? Why do I carry around a gallon-sized jug wherever I go? Why do I turn down pizza and Chinese food and chow down on enormous bowls of salads instead?
It's not my job. I choose to do all this on top of a full-time job that demands a lot of my time and energy to begin with. I don't get paid to do this. In fact, I pay for the privilege. I pay for the gym membership and the training sessions. There's no formal recognition of my accomplishments. I'm not participating in any figure competitions or walking across a stage seeking applause.
Everyday, I do this for me. I do this because I can. I do this because I don't know how to not make my best effort. I'm a perfectionist. No matter what I do, I always feel like I could do more. When I receive feedback from others, I often hear it as criticism or judgement - the message I hear is that I need to improve. I repeatedly feel as though I am trying to meet abstract standards or expectations. While I don't believe it is explicitly stated by others, I am often left feeling as though I don't measure up. I know that this is stems from a lifetime of personal insecurities.
While I did well in school, my grades were never quite good enough. Funny how I can discount making the honor roll (just about every quarter, if I remember) and being in the National Honor Society. While I went to a good college, it wasn't the best school. Sure it's one of the Seven Sisters and is ranked 12th in the nation among liberal arts colleges, but I think it was only ranked 16th when I was there. And even if it was a great school (which I truly think it is and was), I probably wasn't good enough to be there. I wasn't as smart as those around me, despite my continuing to earn solid grades and get into a doctoral program. While I've earned my Ph.D., I find ways to discount my training and feel as though I'm not as qualified or as capable as my colleagues. How is it that I can discount the fact that I'm recognized as an expert in my field, on a local, state, and even national level.? Funny how that goes, huh?
Aside from school and work, these insecurities and doubts permeate just about every other aspect of my life. I'm not a good enough wife. I should be more attentive to my husband's needs and interests. I'm not a good enough friend or daughter. I should be better about keeping in touch with people. I should be more thoughtful of other people. I'm not a good enough housekeeper. I'm not a good enough cook. I'm not as literate or as well-read as I should be. I'm not as politically informed as I should be. I'm not as cultured, as well-traveled, as articulate.... You name it and chances are I can find a way in which I should be better at it.
Why do I push myself to always be better? I'm afraid I'll be found out as a fraud. I'm afraid that someone will discount my achievements. I'm afraid that all I've done will be taken away from me.
Growing up, I felt as though I was never athletic enough, fit enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, feminine enough. I've taken on these challenges. "They" can't take my body away from me or what I've been able to accomplish with it. I feel like everything else is subjective, but there's no denying the "objective" truth of my physical capabilities. (Yes, I recognize that they're actually just as subjective as every other measure of accomplishment in my life.)
I've been working for years on challenging these insecurities. I'm doing MUCH better at talking myself through these irrational thoughts (and recognizing these thoughts in the first place!). It's easier for me to acknowledge my successes. I do struggle with moderation in my life, but that's something I try to work on. I'm striving to better define my own personal goals, outside of what I feel I "should" be doing. I want to focus on continuing to challenge myself without undermining myself or putting myself down. It's not about accomplishments or accolades, but what I've done to bring myself to that level.
I do this because I can. I do this because it feels good to me, both physically and emotionally. I do this because it's a way of taking care of myself. I do this because it's a reminder of my capabilities and my limitations. I do this because I want to see what I can do and where I can take it. I do this because I'm good enough and I'm worth the effort.
Food Log:
- Meal 1
- 2 egg whites with red pepper, onion, and salsa
- 40g oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, and a bit of Splenda
- Meal 2
- 1oz almonds
- Light cheese
- Apple
- Meal 3
- 3oz chicken
- Green beans
- 1 tablespoon salad dressing
- 40g oatmeal
- 2 tablespoons of peanut butter (a little extra treat there!)
Exercise: None (AGAIN!) due to continued recovery from sickness. Bummed about bailing on the training session this evening, but I followed my husband's advice on moderation and opted to take another day off.
Today's Weigh-In: 141.6 / 140.6
Today's Weigh-In: 141.6 / 140.6
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