As I've alluded to, I've been doing some assessment (or reassessment) over the past few days. Why do I choose to eat clean and exercise so much? I'm not going to compete in figure or physique competitions. I don't have any specific health concerns that I'm needing to address. I don't need to lose weight. I'm doing this purely because I want to. But WHY do I want to do this?
I've mentioned that one of my personal motivators was going to the NKOTBSB concert this past Friday, where I got to "meet" NKOTB beforehand. I have the quotes in place because this meeting was all of five minutes, if that, and there was minimal interaction. I wasn't expecting a life-altering experience or anything, but it definitely wasn't a reinforcement for my efforts. I told Danny that I was inspired by his dedication to fitness and being healthy and his response was little more than "that's nice." Next were the photographs, which were all screwed up. Observe:
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| PICTURE #2 |
This was the second photo taken, where I was in the middle of saying "Wait a minute, we're going to switch positions!" So that's me on the far left making a very angry/ugly face, when I'm sure I was striking an adorably cute pose for the first picture which wasn't made available. I'm in communications with the event coordinators to see if they've still got that first photo and if they can share it with me, but I'm not holding my breath.
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| PICTURE #3 |
This photo was a mixed bag. I got to stand next to Donnie, but he's totally covered up by those two other girls who were NOT SUPPOSED to be standing with him. As a group, we had discussed who stood where for each photo. For this one, my friend and I were supposed to be standing with Donnie. Where is she? Two people away from Donnie. And I had to tell the girl in the black dress to not directly in front of me for the photograph.
After all this, there was definitely a feeling of "why did I bother" with all this. Along with that, there was a serving of cheese fries, French onion soup (a favorite of mine), a soft serve ice cream cone, a Hagen Daz milkshake, and a box of Mike and Ikes - and this was after the Starbucks, granola bars, cupcake, cookies, chicken quesadilla, and Jolly Rancher shot. Talk about jumping off the wagon! It was almost entirely emotional eating - I wasn't really hungry for any of it, but I wanted to put it in my mouth.
All around, a very irritating experience that left me disappointed, bitter, and somewhat cynical. I'm not a cynical person by nature. It's hard for me to anticipate the negative in people and situations when I generally look for the positive. Unfortunately, I think that leaves me getting hit more when the darker side comes out. But I deal and try to grow and get stronger from the experience.
Where does that leave me? First of all, it served to reinforce that I'm doing all of this for me and not for the recognition/appreciation/approval of anyone else. Yes, it would have been nice if I had gotten a compliment somewhere in there, but I wasn't expecting one and I wasn't doing it for a New Kid's nod of approval. I kind of look at the comments from other people as the icing on the cake - cake is perfectly yummy and delicious by itself, the icing just an extra bit of yumminess in there. I'm also not doing it for my husband, my trainer, or anyone else out there. I don't really have any external goals or deadlines for my efforts. This is an on-going process that is based on me feeling good about myself. There are some motivators (like this concert or, more substantially, next month's trip to Vegas), but those are more reminders for why I'm doing this as opposed to incentives in and of themselves. Is that making sense?
Secondly, I'm not going to rely on other people in order to reach my goals. That's not to say I won't recruit the support, guidance, and structure of others, but I'm not dependent on them. For example, I workout with my trainer, but my success is because I commit myself and push myself with each session. Just showing up isn't going to create change in my life, I'm the one who needs to make it happen. (This is coming from my friend and my being disappointed with the photo situation despite all the advance planning we had tried to do, all because of those two girls.) Yes, I already recognize myself as being a control freak, but this is more about the responsibility side of things. I can't expect anyone else to be responsible for me. I generally don't mistrust people or expect them to let me down, I'm just more likely to try and do for myself than wait for someone else to do for me.
When I'm exercising and eating clean, I've generally got a positive mindset about it all. Sometimes, however, I start to feel low and deprived or I'll get a case of the "fuck its" - this inevitably leads to a run of poor food choices (cookies and cookie dough for breakfast, anyone?). It's not the end of the world and I really don't beat myself up when this happens. Instead, I wonder if I could ward off some of these bigger dips by being a little less hardcore in general.
I do tend to have an all-or-nothing approach. When I cheat, I go ALL OUT and can easily eat until my stomach's uncomfortably full. Do I really need two more cookies? Of course not, but they're there and I have two empty hands so why not take them and I'll throw in a brownie while I'm at it and come back for two more cookies in five minutes. In part, this is because I know I only have "license" to eat like this for a given window of time so I'd better make the most of it. I wonder if I would better moderate my food choices if I had a smaller "cheat" on a daily basis or every other day. When I was following Weight Watchers, I would have a Jell-O pudding in the evening and would manage my points throughout the day to allow room for that treat. I may look at having a single cookie or piece of chocolate each evening, but my concern is that I wouldn't be able to stop at that.
For now, I'm going to stick with my regular routine of eating clean and exercising. I'm going to keep track of my moods and my energy level. I'm not depriving myself - I have treats available in the house and I can have them whenever I want to. I just want to be sure of why I'm going for them before I actually get them.
Food Log:
- Meal 1:
- 3 egg whites
- 30g dry cream of rice (cooked in water)
- 1 tbsp coconut oil
- Meal 2:
- 3oz chicken
- Green beans
- 1/2c cooked rice
- Meal 3:
- 2% flavored Chobani Greek Yogurt
- Meal 4:
- 3 oz chicken
- Peppers and onions
- 1/2c cooked rice
- 1 tbsp coconut oil
- Meal 5:
- 0% flavored Chobani Greek Yogurt
- 1 tbsp coconut oil
- Time: 60 minutes on elliptical
- Level: Level 1 for 1 minute; Level 4 for 58 minutes; Level 1 for 1 minute
- Distance: 5.25 miles
- Speed: 5.2mph (average)
- Average HR: 158
- Max HR: 168
- Calories: 750
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