Expectations and Distortions

What do I expect to accomplish with my efforts?  What is the foundation for these expectations?  What should I be aiming for?  Why is that my goal?  The more I question these standards, the more I realize how out-of-touch they have been in the past.  As a result, I've been setting myself up for failure, criticizing myself, and telling myself that I was never quite good enough.


Where did this all begin?  Honestly, I don't think it's possible to identify a particular event or relationship.  Instead, I would attribute it to a culmination of of factors.  But there are a few key points that stand out in my mind.


I remember reading "Little House in the Big Woods" where Laura Ingalls Wilder describes her mother and aunts getting ready for a dance.  As they're lacing each other into their corsets, one aunt says to the other, "Caroline says Charles could span her waist with his hands, when they were married." At that point I didn't quite grasp what a corset was or how it worked, but even at 8-years-old, I remembered the value being placed on having a small waist.


Moving ahead a few years, I was introduced to two identical sixteen-year-old twins with silky blond hair, aquamarine eyes, and perfect size six figures....

Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield were a staple of my elementary and middle school reading.  The detailed description of their physical appearances (5'6" and a "perfect size 6") made it easy for me to compare myself to them.  Of course this just emphasized that I wasn't tall enough and that I was too large.  (Scarily enough, the series is being revamped for a new generation and the sisters are being updated to a "perfect size 4")

I don't want to be hypocritical, given that I'm a size 4 myself (right now, at least).  And I don't blame Francine Pascal for my insecurities and body-image issues - I chose to read these books and enjoyed reading them.  Rather, I think these books provide an example of how things that are supposedly innocuous can have a much deeper impact.

Another example: 36 - 24 - 36?  Ha-ha, only if she's 5'3" (courtesy of Sir Mix-a-Lot)  Now my chest isn't big enough and my waist is too thick.

Miss America 2011, Teresa Scanlan, is purportedly 5'8", weighing approximately 105 pounds, with measurements 33 - 23- 34. Her BMI of 16 puts her in the "underweight" category, yet she's heralded as being the ideal, the dream of a million girls, the queen of femininity, the fairest of the fair.

Then I turn on an earlier season of America's Next Top Model where the contestants are exercising as a competition and being told they're too heavy.  I have seen that subsequent seasons removed the emphasis on exercising/weight loss and the most critical judge was replaced.

But turn to another channel or put on a movie.  Just about every character is beautiful or a caricature of whatever trait is supposed to be embodied (fat, ugly, nerdy, etc.).  But the message for those caricature characters is that even they too, with just a little effort on their part, can be the perfect, gorgeous "beautiful people" as well.

An online search for "ideal weight" came up with 34,100,000 results.  I couldn't look at all of them, but....

• One calculator said my ideal weight was 134, with the range of 119 to 149.  
• The "People's Choice Ideal Weight" put me at 131.  
• A "Medical Range" was 114 to 150.  
• The "Hamwi Formula" said my ideal weight would be 125.

Having the expectation that this is what I "should" weigh is just going to undermine my efforts.  I haven't weighed anything below 135 since high school.  Since then, I've happily finished going through puberty and become a healthy adult.  When I was down to 136 and change last September, my size 4 pants were hanging loosely on my hips.  Then to drop another 5 pounds?  Sure, it could be done, but at what price?

Now, when I look at these "ideals" on TV or in magazines, I realize how my expectations have shifted.  These "beautiful people" look gaunt and frail.  Sometimes I'm convinced that my biceps are larger than their thighs!  I'm not looking to transform into "She-Hulk" (cousin to the Incredible Hulk), but after checking out some of the drawings, I'd rather look like her than an emaciated, androgynous supermodel with no chest or butt.

While I'm not planning on turning green anytime soon, I am planning on better defining my own expectations and following my own path to fulfillment.  The more I think about it, the more confident I am in recognizing what works for me.  I'm not a supermodel.  I'll never be a "perfect size 6" from California.  But I AM everything I could ever expect myself to be AND MORE!

Food Log:

• Breakfast
• 4 egg whites and 2 eggs with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray and Mrs. Dash
• Snack
• Green beans with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray and spray dressing
• Tablespoon of peanut butter
  
• Dinner
• 4oz chicken
• 20g almonds
• Baby spinach with onions and garlic
• Snack
• Tablespoon of peanut butter
  

Exercise:

• Time: 65 minutes
• Level:1 minute Level 1; 58 minutes Level 4; 6 minutes Level 1 (rewarded self with music video during cool-down)
• Calories:750+

Today's Weigh-In: 145.8