I Aim To Fail

"Success builds character, failure reveals it." - Dave Checkett

I'm a perfectionist. When I set out to do something, I want to finish it and I want it done the "right" way. Typically the "right" way consists of it being done perfectly according to my standards. Now keep in mind, I apply these standards to myself but generally not to other people. I expect a lot of myself and I accept what others are able to give. I don't expect those around me to do as I do.

So why would I want to fail? In order to fail, it means that I at least have given it a try. Given the expectations I hold for myself, I know that any effort I give will be the best that I have. It's not in me to do anything else. When I fail (and I do say WHEN instead of IF because it WILL happen), I know it's because I pushed myself as far as I could go.

I can do the perfect dumbbell curl holding a 5 pound weight. My form will be perfect. I will isolate the intended muscles. I could even do a perfect set of curls. I might even look cute, standing there with the petite weight in my hand (possibly color-coordinated with my outfit for the day, because my brain does think that way). But will I be challenging myself? No. Technically, my muscle is working because it's moving, but it's not working OUT.

Now give me a 35 pound weight or something heavier (I just grab the weight my trainer tells me to, so I'm not sure how heavy I typically go for curls). I do know I won't be able to complete as many curls. Eventually my form will suffer and I may sway to help bring the weight up. I'll pause in the middle of the set to fix my grip and catch my breath. It won't be pretty. I'll probably make faces in the mirror, though I'll try hard to not make loud grunting noises. IF I make it to the end of the set, I'll be shaking and weak, my arm will feel like jello ... and I'll be finding some way to gear myself up for the next set. My muscle will be straining. Eventually,it will be screaming as it breaks down under the tension I'm putting it through.

Why would I want to put myself through this? Is this really the preferred way to workout? For me, it's all about the challenge. If it's easy to do, it's not an accomplishment. I won't have been pushed or driven to grow. Consider this: I could have spent my entire academic career succeeding in kindergarten. I would have been at the top of the class (I hope!), but at some point I would have stopped learning and growing. Instead, I continued to up the ante and push myself a little bit further - through elementary, middle, and high school. Then onto college. Then through a PhD program. And even though I'm done with my formal education, I still push myself to learn more.

Fitness and nutrition are a lot like the education track in many ways. I want to know what my body is capable of doing. I want to see where my body is capable of going. I know there are limits and I know I'll reach them. But I haven't reached them yet. I want to see what all I can accomplish, within the context of what I have to give. If I were to quit my job and focus on nothing but nutrition and training, I'm sure I could accomplish a lot more, but I can't do that and, honestly, I don't WANT to do that.

Success doesn't happen all at once (which is why there are few 5-year-olds in doctoral programs), but it is a progression that builds on itself. Along that path, there have been numerous occasions where I've stumbled. I have failed, but I haven't stopped trying. If there's something I can't do, I want to figure out why so that I can then try to do it again.

Food Log:

• Breakfast
• 4 egg whites and 2 eggs with salsa
• Snack
• Oven-baked artichoke hearts, peas, and onions with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray and Mrs. Dash
• Dinner
• 4oz chicken
• 20g almonds
• No veggies because of being VERY gassy. Don't know if this was due to the veggies from earlier in the day or to something else, but it dampened my appetite and my desire to put anything in my mouth
• Snack
• Generous tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:

• Time: 60 minutes strength training with trainer (total body)
• Calories: 375+
• Felt like I was totally wrung-out with today's workout. I attribute this to my not getting enough sleep last night. I had a hard time rallying the energy.

Today's Weigh-In: 145.4
I wonder if this too is affected by the reduced sleep - maybe with the digestion process or amount of time since last eating. I'm not blaming or attributing the slight bump from yesterday to my sleep habits, just musing. I know that people who get less sleep in general tend to be heavier, but I believe that's mostly because of ingesting additional calories to compensate for the tiredness.  I may look into this more thoroughly. But, for today, the number is what it is, nothing more and nothing less.