Sorting Through Mixed Messages

"It's okay to lose weight but not too much."  What's too much?

"A woman should be strong but don't get bulky."  Are my arms getting bulky?  (I know I've got "guns" and it's not uncommon for tops with fitted sleeves to be uncomfortably snug.  I felt like Jason Giambi today, since he used to cut the seams on his jerseys to fit around his biceps, though I've never used "The Cream" or any other "performance enhancing" substances - my head is exactly the same size, thank you very much.)

"Be sure to eat well but don't be too focused on food."  Does the mean I've got issues with food?

"Make sure to get into the gym but don't spend too much time there."  If other people start recognizing me by sight, have I officially become a gym rat?  (Yesterday I was identified as "the girl in the hat" by another of my trainer's clients that I'd never spoken with before, as I almost always wear one of two ballcaps while working out to contain my frizzy hair.)

Sometimes taking care of myself can feel like tug-of-war.  I want to do it all, but there are so many things to attend to and so many ways to pursue them.  I try to do everything and to do it the right way but I'm learning that this concept of a "right way" simply doesn't exist and is never attainable.  Can I have my cake and eat it too? Not really. There's no such thing as a free lunch. (How many trite phrases can I throw in here?)  If I'm going put my energy into one goal, I'm not going to have it to invest in another goal.

Everything has a limit, it can be tough to tell where that line is.  There are some explicit guidelines or criteria, such as with the diagnosis of anorexia.  Aside from that, we're mostly adrift in the gray zone of uncertainty.  Where one person draws the line isn't necessarily where another person draws it.  More often than not, when people give me "constructive feedback" it's because my lines aren't drawn where they think the lines should be drawn.  So where's the "right" place for me to draw that line?

Most important is that I CHOOSE where to draw the line for myself.  I may never be certain about the positions that I take, but I'll make choices that are good enough given the information and goals that I have.  I take my circumstances into account when determining what's enough and what's too much.  I determine my comfortable weight range based on my relationship with my body.  I have my standard for attractiveness, which is admittedly a more muscular feminine physique than mainstream media would consider stereotypically attractive.

There's always going to be compromises in life.  Everyone has to face choices.  Spending time at the gym means I'm not spending it somewhere else.  Choosing "clean" food choices means turning down other (perhaps more tasty or indulgent) choices.  I want to make choices and compromises that are most in-sync with my values and priorities.  That doesn't mean these will be comfortable decisions, but ones that I am willing to tolerate.  I also remind myself that I can make different choices at different times, depending on the circumstances.  After all, no line is ever permanent.

Food Log:

• Meal 1  
• 2 egg whites with peppers, onions, and salsa
• 40g oatmeal  
• Meal 2
• Big salad
• 2 tablespoons of salad dressing
• 3oz chicken
• Meal 3
• Apple
• Light cheese
• 1oz almonds
• Meal 4
• 3oz chicken
• Green beans
• 40g oatmeal
• Tablespoon of peanut butter

Exercise:  None - had planned to go to the gym after work but got stuck at the office for an extra hour.  I did consider going to the gym at that point, but my back was/is sore and I felt exhausted.  So I opted for a night off for self-care. 


Today's Weigh-In:  144.1 - I'm seriously considering buying a new scale because I'm so frustrated with the variability of weights over the course of a morning.  For example, weighing myself this morning, my weight fluctuated from 144.5 down to 143.1 and then back to 144.1.  And this was without my eating, drinking, or doing anything to try and "trick" the scale.